Page 84 of Silver Player

Billy holds up a hand, and I halt speaking. “I’m going to make us sound like an old married couple, but can we please not talk about the kid tonight either? No Sadie conversation. Just us. I want to know more about you, Roxanne. What makes you tick? Where have you been for sixteen years? What do you want next in life?”

I’m floored by the rejection of Sadie-talk but equally surprised at his questions. Brushing my hair over one ear, I glance down at my plate. How long has it been since I’ve talked about myself? I wouldn’t know where to start.

“Okay,” I draw out. I have so much to say about Sadie, but I hold back.

“Tell me about you before you came back here. Love interests. Things you did with friends. Anything. Everything.” He laughs as he lifts his beer and takes a sip. It’s almost comical how he’s drinking his beer in this other establishment, preferring the robust hops of his heritage to anything else.

I nod and begin with things I consider factual—college, employment with the big chain bookstore, and then the dream to have my own place. I mention how I missed Blue Ridge after we moved and how sad I was at the loss of my mother, which feels strangely similar to Sadie’s situation. I don’t mention Theresa or Sadie, though. I stick to only me. Friends. Travel. And then Chad.

“We were together for five years, and I thought he might be it. Not in a conventional way. He never asked me to marry him.” I shrug, dismissing my disappointment that he hadn’t proposed. “I just thought we’d be this forever couple. Content and satisfied where we were at.”

Billy’s engaged expression sobers a bit, and he nods like he understands, but his brows pinch like he has a question he wants to ask but doesn’t as I continue.

“When I mentioned the bookstore, he always blew it off like it was just a pipe dream and never a reality. A fantasy for someday.”

Billy nods again, his lips pursing in agreement.

“Then when I told him I wanted to move to Blue Ridge and open a store here, he told me to follow my heart, but he wouldn’t come with me. His heart was no longer mine.”

“He said that?” Billy asks astonished, brows rising.

“Not in so many words, but pretty close.”

Do what you want, Chad said with a shrug, nonchalant and complacent, like my leaving or staying meant nothing to him one way or the other.

“Here’s the thing. I don’t think people should settle, and I had. I didn’t want to be content or mildly satisfied, but live my best life, and that meant moving here. Walking away from Sadie was difficult, but Sadie also wasn’t mine to keep. She is my niece. My sister’s daughter as Theresa would remind me if I stepped too far out of line with her.” I’d settled here as well. I was content to be the aunt when I really wanted my own daughter. I shrug again, fearing I’ve said too much. “I needed to do something for me. Something that made me happy.”

Billy stares at me before slowly sitting back in his seat. His eyes focus on my face, taking me in, and I wonder what he sees. He’s called me stunning, but he hasn’t commented on my dress tonight other than to say I look nice. I don’t need his approval, but I appreciate it all the same.

“It’s strange how much I think you get me without knowing everything about me.”

What?

“I wanted the pub because I wanted something for myself as well. While it meant proving something to my parents and even Rachel, deep down, I needed to prove to me that I was good enough. I could do this…thing…for me, be successful on my terms, and in the end, be happy.”

I smile. I do understand. I don’t know why he’d need to prove anything to his ex-wife or his family, but I get it.

Silently, I wonder if that’s where all the women come into play. Was he trying to prove something to himself there as well?

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Chad, but he’s a fool. And it isn’t love if you can’t accept each other’s dreams.”

Is he speaking from experience? Did Rachel reject his dream?

“So you lived with Chad, huh? And what was that like?”

I tilt my head, wondering what he means. People live together all the time outside of marriage.

“Would you ever consider living with a man again?”

“Like roommates?” I scoff, laughing at the thought.

“Something like that, sure. I guess.” His expression shifts. Does he really mean as roommates or perhaps he means in another manner? Either way, I don’t understand why he even asks, but I’m quick to answer.

“I don’t think I could do it again, not without a promise of more.” My head lowers as I feel awkward having this conversation with him, but it’s a good reminder we aren’t anything more than…friends. We aren’t romantically involved. We’ve had sex. It’s how Billy does things. “With the store and now Sadie, my life is pretty full, though.” The words fall short. I’m missing a sliver of something deeper, and I know what it is, but I won’t be sharing that reality with Billy.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Sadie. The pub. I’m good.” He doesn’t sound convinced either, leaving me wonder what sliver is missing for him.

Our dinner arrives, and he oohs and aahs over the steak, moving our conversation out of serious-zone to carefree-casual. Dinner ends on a more rambunctious tone as Billy can’t believe I’m not a fan of any particular sport.