Page 87 of Silver Player

His head shoots back to me. “I lied to save myself. God forgive me, but I was embarrassed. Not that she’s gay, I didn’t care about that, but I was upset I didn’t know. I thought she was just holding out on me when we were younger, and then thought she didn’t like sex or maybe just didn’t like sex with me when we were married. Honestly, all of it was true. She wasn’t being true to herself and couldn’t enjoy what we did.” He exhales, turning his head away from me one more time. “It’s silly, but at first, I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed I wasn’t enough. And whether it was a man or a woman, I was humiliated she cheated on me. I felt betrayed because I loved her despite everything, and she left me. She ran away to be with her.”

The pressure of their image landed on his shoulders, and it’s clear to me he didn’t know how to handle the reality of their situation. It’s also becoming clear that Billy Harrington loves hard, so when he lost her, he took it equally as hard and didn’t know how to recover. He covered for her, taking on this reputation to disguise his hurt. His devotion to Sadie makes sense to me. When he loves, he loves. But when he hurts, he aches. I don’t want him to ache.

“People thought what they wanted, and I didn’t deny it. It wasn’t anyone’s damn business. Hell, sleeping around perpetuated the gossip.” He swipes another hand through his hair and stares at me. “I know…I slept around,” he emphasizes like a confession. “I wanted to prove to myself I was a man. Okay? A worthy man. If not to my wife, who couldn’t help herself, then at least to someone else. The whole thing messed with my head.”

I sympathize. I can see he cared for Rachel, and he wanted to be open to her situation, her reality, but there were ramifications for him.

“Billy, there isn’t a woman in this town who doubts your masculinity.” He’s a vision of virility, broad in stature with the dark beard and graying hair. His flirty personality and overall aura of sexuality screams he’s all male. But he’s more than the sexual persona. He’s a man with deep feelings, ones he’s guarded to admit so he isn’t hurt again.

“I doubted myself. She was the only woman I’d been with. I didn’t have any other gauge until I…” He drifts off. Until he slept with others. A growing need to prove himself.

“I already told you the last time was May and before that was probably close to February.” He sighs, the weight of his admission still wrapped around him. Swiping one more hand through his hair, he pauses with his hand cupped around the back of his neck, defeated. “I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell anyone about this. No one in my family knows the truth, except for Mati, and that was just recently.”

“About not sleeping with anyone since May?” I question, and he finally looks at me, seeing I’m teasing in hopes to break some of the tension.

“About Rachel,” he mutters.

“I won’t tell a soul, Billy.”

We stare at one another for a long minute, the room finally restored to some heat. I release the quilt I’ve been holding with clenched hands at my chest and set it on his bed.

“Is it weird that it feels good to finally tell someone?” he asks, and I look up at him as I shake my head.

“That’s a lot of pressure to carry.”

He scrubs his knuckles up under his chin and his eyes shift. “Yeah, well, that certainly put a damper on the evening, though. I don’t know where all that came from.”

I do. I’d pushed him to the edge, and when I consider it, I’m surprised he told me, but his honesty makes me feel special—important to him—like I can fully trust him. We’re going to work things out with Sadie. Maybe we’ll even work out as well.

“I guess I should take you home.” He interjects, his eyes still avoiding mine.

Is that what he really wants? Because he looks a little lost and a lot alone. All that proving to himself can wear a man down. Who builds him up?

I want to build him up. I want to be that support for him.

“You’re turning into a great father,” I say, stepping toward him. His eyes widen when he finally looks at me. “You’ve stepped up from the start.” His brows crease, the skin puckering between them.

“And I think you’re an incredible businessman.” His forehead furrows. “You’ve done so much for the community, and I know you donate a portion of your profits each month to the school.” His eyes widen. Yeah, I heard it through the grapevine of gossip how Billy Harrington gives money to the special education department.

“I don’t want some kid with dyslexia to feel like a failure,” he whispers to justify his cause. I smile but ignore the comment.

“And I don’t think you should have any concerns about proving your manhood.” I’m in his space, and his nostrils flare. “You have beautiful eyes. Strong hands. An incredible body.” I lower my hand to grab one of his, pressing our palms together. “Irresistible lips.” His eyes slowly lower to mine, blushing at my compliment. “Rachel had to be who she was, but she didn’t need to break you.”

He nods once, rolling his lips inward. My hand lifts his hand, placing it just above my left breast. My heart races. This man has been a dysfunctional and frustrating crush of mine since the moment I met him, and the moment of truth lays before me.

“Any woman would be proud to be with you, Billy Harrington.” And then I admit all that I shouldn’t. “I would be.”

31

Sex with socks on

[Billy]

I would be.

Does she mean it? Would she be proud to be with me, really be…with me? Or is she just trying to ease my ego? I went a little serious on her this evening. I don’t know where the confession came from other than her accusing me of bringing women here. I haven’t done that. This is my haven because I knew I’d need one. I need a place to detox from the parties and women and the upkeep of the façade. I was a player, proving to myself I could play and proving to the community what they already thought—it must have been him.

It was always Billy’s fault.