Page 18 of Speak from the Heart

I need to get home.

And then I need to return to Elk Lake City.

+ + +

Foregoing a night in my condo because I knew I wouldn’t sleep, I turned right around once I’d collected my things. It’s almost midnight when I pull into the gravel drive. The front porch light is on. A little body is wrapped around the bannister post of the stairs. Another body sits on the porch swing I’d asked Joe to hang the other day.

Jess.

How long has he been here?

I’d spoken to Sue earlier, checking in on Nana, and learned Katie had attached herself to the porch, kicking and fighting her father when he tried to remove her. Finally, he’d given up and positioned himself in the swing to watch over her.

“He’s like a zombie,” Sue’d said. “He hasn’t moved. I don’t know why she reacted as she did. Never seen anything like it.”

When I’d asked if I could speak with Jess, Sue said he refused to talk to me.

So why were they still here?

Jess stands once I start to cross the yard. His hands slip into his jean pockets, and he glares down at me from his perch before looking to the side. His shoulders sag, and I can’t tell if he’s relieved I’ve returned as promised or if he’s frustrated I’ve returned at all. Ignoring the expression on his face, I bend for his child.

“Katie.” I softly call her name, placing a hand on her shoulder to rouse her. She’s fallen asleep in this position, hugging the bannister, her head using the hard wood as a pillow and a prop to hold her upright. “Katie bug, I’m back.” Her eyes blink open, and she releases the post, reaching out for me. I draw her into my arms and stand on shaky legs. She’s heavier in her sleep, and Jess rushes down the stairs.

“I got her,” I say, holding out one hand to stop his intrusion. She’s his child, but it’s her heart I’m worried about, and I want to do what I can to put her at ease.

“Time for bed,” I whisper, uncertain if she hears me. My eyes meet Jess’s. “Can I lay her down in the house? Maybe on the living room couch? Or do you want to take her home?”

Jess struggles for a moment. The war within is etched in his cheeks, but he finally acquiesces to my request. As his shoulders stiffen, he says, “Maybe the couch will do for now.”

I nod and take a step for the stairs, still struggling with Katie’s weight. Jess wraps an arm around my back to steady me, and together we climb the treads. He holds the screen door open, and we enter the living room. Sue’s sitting in the front room reading, and she smiles in sympathy when she sees me.

“Elizabeth already went up,” she whispers, and I mouth my gratitude. Sue stands and gathers her bag by the side of the couch. “I’ll see myself out.”

The moment I set Katie on the couch, she curls into the back cushions, and her knees draw upward to her chest. I reach for a blanket in the basket near the fireplace and cover her.

“We need to talk,” I say as I turn to Jess who stands behind me, peering down at his child. He nods and then tips his head toward the front porch. With the side table lamp on low, we can still see Katie from outside.

As we sit on the porch swing, Jess leans forward, his elbows on his thighs and his hands clasped. I sit back, tucking a foot under one knee. Silence weighs heavy between us, and once again I wonder how Jess handles the quiet of his daughter.

“Post-traumatic stress disorder,” Grace had said. Perhaps Jess suffers from it as well. He’s certainly stressed about his daughter and her reaction to me.

“My wife and I were high school sweethearts,” he begins, letting out a long breath. “Deb wanted out of here, but she was three years younger than me. I went off to college, and we did that awkward long-distance thing, giving each other permission to do our own thing. She was more wayward than me, as I was dedicated to my studies. Eventually, I thought we’d just fizzle out. Instead, she came to me after her high school graduation. She couldn’t get into the University of Michigan where I intended to be a grad student, so she went to Eastern.”

He sighs, falling back against the swing, causing it to rock and peers around me into the living room to check on his daughter. I turn as well, looking over my shoulder, and note she’s still fast asleep.

“I married her.” My head quickly turns back to Jess, and he shrugs. “She wanted to hold off on children. It was fine with me. We weren’t . . . stable, and I was busy. Grad school. Internship with General Motors and then a job in R&D. I was working on the electric vehicle. Life was good, but my marriage wasn’t.”

He exhales again and looks down at his fingers splayed over his thighs. “Then she got pregnant. She didn’t want the baby and told me she might not be mine.”

Oh my God.

“I wasn’t certain she was mine either, but I couldn’t turn away a pregnant woman who happened to be my wife. Thankfully, a simple blood test proved Katie belonged to me, but I hated Deb for what she’d done. She’d cheated on me, but I kept her close because she was my child’s mother.”

He shakes his head and gives a bitter laugh.

“Then one day when Katie was almost four, I came home and found my baby girl alone. No mother. No note. No clothes remaining in the closet. Gone.” His eyes drift back to his sleeping child, and I sit still, horrified at the thought of abandoning that sweet baby resting on my grandmother’s couch. “She wouldn’t talk. She could before, but she no longer did, and we’ve never known why. A psychologist, social workers, child neurologists, they all said the same thing. She was choosing not to speak. Selective mutism, they call it. The pieces are all there for her to vocalize. The only thing we don’t know is the reason she’s not.”

His eyes meet mine, sad, somber and full of questions I can’t answer. The loss he’s experienced is on a level I’ll never comprehend.