Page 57 of Speak from the Heart

Good luck, woman. It’s not going to happen. No words will escape those tight lips.

“Should that be the end? A cliffhanger where we don’t know the truth? Or will it be true? On the night of fire in the sky, with three secrets revealed, will Princess Katie be unlocked from her spell?”

Now, I hold my breath. Will she answer Emily?

“Do we need a beast or a prince? A knight in shining armor, perhaps?” I chuckle to myself, knowing Emily doesn’t believe in that part of the story. No man needs to fix her. So efficient. Sometimes, I think she’s the stubborn one, but there’s a vulnerability to her.

No one’s ever picked me.

Jesus, men are stupid beasts.

“Actually, the beast already has a story where he learns to love and then receives love in return, so that idea is already taken. And then the guy who steals a shoe, that’s gone as well. Let’s see…” Emily pauses. “Girl in a tower. Nope. Mermaid under the sea. Nope. I guess since this is Princess Katie’s story, we’ll leave it up to the princess to save herself, because she is brave enough to do it on her own.”

I’ve finished a second panel and move onto the third when I hear Emily say, “Good enough to write ‘The End?’” Another silent pause. “Then time for pictures.” She has everything set up. I’m assuming she didn’t have colored pencils laying around, so it’s another gift for my daughter. Emily is thoughtful.

“Katie,” Emily’s voice shifts. “I want to tell you another story, about my nana.” I glance up to see Emily stroking Katie’s hair behind her ear, her voice soothing as she tenderly touches my child.

“My nana died. Do you know what that means?” Without waiting on any acknowledgement from Katie, Emily continues. “It means she went away, and I won’t ever see her again. She’s in heaven. Do you know where that is?”

Katie looks up at the sky, and my heart beats three times as fast as it should. I never had to have this conversation because Katie was still so small when my father was killed. She was too young to understand and newly under her silent spell.

Jesus, now I’m even using Emily’s label for it.

“When a person goes to heaven, they can’t come back, honey. It’s just the way of things. I’m going to leave soon too, Katie bug, but I’m not going to heaven. I’m going to my home because I don’t live here. This is Nana’s place, but I want you to know I’ll be missing you every day. And maybe . . . maybe I can come back here someday and see you.”

Her voice sounds thick, and I watch as Emily closes her eyes.

Dammit. Don’t do it. Don’t go.

“I was scared when Nana left me, but I know she’ll always be in my heart. Her memories will always be inside my head, and I’ll love her forever despite our distance. Anyway, I must be very brave now that Nana’s gone. I need to make all kinds of decisions, and I need to stay strong. Just like I know you’ll be strong when I go because you know that I . . . I care about you.”

She fights the words I know she wants to say because I told her she couldn’t. She couldn’t love my child. Watching her struggle makes my chest ache and I want to go to both of them, wrap them in my arms, and never let either one leave me.

“How about some lemonade?” Emily interjects, quickly changing the topic and offering Katie a weak smile. She swipes under her eye and then unfolds her legs to stand. Before she does, she presses a kiss to Katie’s hair and then pushes herself upright and walks to the house with hurried steps. Katie’s eyes follow Emily, and I don’t know who to go to first.

I pick Katie. I always need to pick my daughter first, and I ask her to show me the book and her pictures, and then ask her if she understands what Emily said about people dying and how Emily was correct, it won’t be the same thing when she leaves. We can think about her and talk about her every day, although the talking part I know won’t happen. Even I’ll be silent and grumpy when she goes.

“I’m going to check on Emily. You stay right here, okay?”

I enter the house to find Emily standing before the kitchen sink. The one that still needs to be repaired. I feel like the damage buys me time since it will take several weeks for a new sink to be delivered, and she still hasn’t made a decision on one yet.

“You shouldn’t make up stories for her,” I say, keeping my voice low as I come up behind her, stepping close so she can feel my heat on her back. I lower my nose to her neck and inhale the rain shower and freshwater scent of her mixed with sunshine.

“Sometimes make-believe is all we have,” she replies, keeping her eyes glued to the window over the sink.

“You still need to get this sink fixed,” I remind her. It was my purpose two days ago, and now I’m putting up a fence for her instead. I inhale, noting a scent I smelled the other night.

“Do I smell fresh paint?”

“I have to repaint the living room and dining room,” she mutters. Before she sells. Before she rents. Before she leaves.

“There’s no rush. You have weeks to get things done,” I say, hope rising in my chest.

“I got an email from my boss the other day. I need to be in Naperville a week from next Monday.”

“So you come back and finish whatever you need to do when you are done in this Naperville place.” My voice catches, knowing it’s not that easy. Knowing before she says anything that’s not how it’s going to happen.

“I’ve already taken three weeks plus a week of bereavement. I need to finish Nana’s house before I leave.”