Page 56 of Read With Your Heart

“I’m not ashamed of you,” I retort, reaching out to reassure him. Shame is the last thing I feel about him or us, but Leon holds up his hand, warning me not to touch him. “Are you so ashamed of yourself?” I soften my voice, thinking we could talk about this like rational adults. “Let me help you. Or better yet, do something yourself. Talk to Dixon.”

He ignores my suggestion, turning his face away from me, but demands, “What are you doing with me, Tricia?”

I stare at him, surprised by the question. I’m falling in love with him is what I’m doing, but I can’t tell him that. At this moment, love seems like the furthest thing he feels for me.

“I like being with you.”

“Sexually?” he asks, twisting his attention back to me and speaking as if he’s clarifying our status. My heart cracks in half. The pain rips through my chest like nothing I’ve felt before.

“It’s more than sex for me,” I whisper, feeling small and uncertain. Is that all it’s been for him? We haven’t even had sex yet. I love his touch and his kisses, his caresses and his tongue, but it’s all more than that. I like spending time with him. I like coming home and finding him here. I like being with his sisters as though we’re a family.

He avoids looking at me as we stand at an impasse, and I sense impending doom. He hasn’t responded to my comment about it being more for me, and the thin thread keeping my frustration in check snaps.

“Fine. Don’t come.” I feel like he’s just looking for an excuse not to attend. For me, it’s difficult to attend public events. I need to stay on my best behavior as a local schoolteacher at community functions. However, this is my family’s event, and I want to go to the party. I want him to go with me, but I’ll attend alone if I must. The next words just pop out. “Trent never went, either.”

It’s a low blow but the truth. My ex-husband didn’t like these kinds of gatherings, mainly because he didn’t like my family. You’re all so nice, he mocked as if it was wrong to be a good person. I’m tired of being put down for having an open mind and a generous heart. Screw this.

“Maybe you’re the one who doesn’t want to be seen with me.” We’ve been playing house, keeping our relationship private. We don’t do public displays of affection in front of the girls, but there’s been no disguising Leon’s in my room every night. I’m not certain how the girls feel about our relationship. Maybe I need to re-evaluate my behavior in my own home as well as my public image.

“That is just—” Leon stares at me, cutting off the rest of his thoughts. His hands clench into fists at his sides, and I note the action. He’s typically cautious of such actions, conscious of my reaction, but he’s angry—really angry—and instead of finishing his sentence, he gives me one final glare before shaking his head and turning on his heels to exit the kitchen. I’m left wondering what just happened—and if we are over.

+ + +

I decide to attend the party without Leon. After our argument, he left the house. I heard his motorcycle rev from the driveway, and he disappeared into the night, returning sometime after midnight. He didn’t come to my bed when he returned.

Lena found me in the kitchen after our fight.

“Are you okay?” Lena asked, finding me silently crying. I swiftly swiped at the tears on my cheek.

“I’m fine.” I’ve said the words too often in my life.

“I heard you fighting. He’s being an ass.”

I gave her a weak smile, not wishing to confirm her opinion of her brother. I didn’t understand what happened.

“He really likes you,” she said, lowering her voice like she’d speak to a teen friend about a boy crushing on a girl. I nodded, biting back the sob threatening to escape. I don’t want her to see how hurt I was. I don’t understand my feelings myself. I only knew I felt strongly for him, and I’d thought, perhaps mistakenly, that Leon felt the same way about me.

Lena stepped closer to me as I fidgeted with the sink. I really wanted to replace the entire kitchen sooner rather than later.

“Men suck,” she said, offering me her worldly seventeen-year-old advice.

“They can,” I whispered. “But not all of them do.” Her brother is a good man. He’s rough around the edges, but I know he can be smoothed. I feel it when he touches me, when he kisses me. I see it in the way he cares about his sisters.

“He’ll be back,” she assured me, but that wasn’t my fear.

My fear was he’d return and tell me it’s over. He didn’t want to be in my bed. He didn’t want to keep discovering each other. He’s ready to drop the girl who is still married and find someone better suited to him. Despite what he said and despite our differences, it’s more than his education or experience. Maybe I’m too boring for him. I’m domesticated, playing family and dreaming of a home. Maybe he doesn’t want those things.

These thoughts haunt me through two restless nights without much sleep, but by the day of the party, I just need to go. I want to see my family. Lena and Lys go with me as my dates. Lena tells me she’s some teen sensation I’ve not heard of. Her costume doesn’t look much different from her everyday outfits of ripped jeans and short shirts, but I don’t mention it. Lys looks like a baseball fan wearing her father’s old Cubs jersey and a baseball cap. The sadness on her face at the mention of her father quickly dissipates. We still haven’t heard anything about their detainment. I can only hope her parents return soon.

I allow Lena to drive as I plan to drink, but I’ll be acting responsibly before the community. I’m dressed as Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It’s a bit of a risqué costume for me, but I wear it with pride. It’s a little short on my long legs and a little low cut for my small breasts, but I don’t have a reason to hide my skin. The truth of my former circumstances remains etched on my soul but no longer shows on my body. The hurt is buried deep inside me where no one can see the scars.

And tonight, I refuse to think about Trent. I’d also like to dismiss thoughts of Leon. I just want to enjoy myself.

When we arrive at the party, it’s in full swing with loud country music and enough orange and black decorations to make Jack Skeleton jealous. Hay bales fill the corners of the old barn, and food tables covered in creative treats are scattered here and there. We see Levi as soon as we enter, and I notice Lys blush when he waves at me. He hasn’t spoken to me much since that football game two weeks ago, and I miss him.

“You got a crush on my Levi?” I whisper to Lys, and her blush deepens.

“How do you know him?” she asks.