Page 85 of Read With Your Heart

“No way. I want an A and ‘I’ll make my heaven in a lady’s lap.’”

I gasp. “You did not just quote Shakespeare about my . . .”

“About your pussy? Yes, I did because I want an A. An A plus plus.” To earn his grade, he lowers again, and just when I think I can’t give him another orgasm, I do, and he wins.

An A plus plus plus for quoting Shakespeare while doing that.

It seems our lesson isn’t finished, though. We move from our mouths to hands and eventually the final act. We have a lot of catching up to do as our bodies continue to learn one another, and our hearts earn the highest grade there is—love.

Lesson 27

Brother is a word with many meanings.

[Leon]

Trent’s funeral is a shitshow. I shouldn’t be attending, but I’m there for Tricia, who dresses like the widow she is. She sheds a tear or two, but for the most part, I can see she’s seething. People want to honor a man who does not deserve honor, and her family hovers, knowing the truth. Trent’s boys want to make the luncheon a party, but Tom and Jess kick them out, telling them to take their roast to the bar. Mary Carter, Tricia’s mother, was kind enough to host lunch for her unworthy son-in-law.

“It’s my way to give myself peace, but I still kick myself for all I didn’t see,” her mother says. Tricia told me more about her mother’s guilty feelings over missing the signs, and Tricia assured her mother she hadn’t wanted her family to know.

“The baby was the last straw,” Tricia said to me, and I’m reminded we still need to talk about that situation. For the time being, Tricia has the week off for bereavement. It’s almost Thanksgiving, and she’ll have a few additional days for the holiday as well.

Today, the focus is the funeral. Robert Walker attends and is so hammered he has to be escorted out of the church. He isn’t graveside nor at the luncheon at the Carter’s, and I notice Levi is almost relieved at his absence. The kid has been exceptionally quiet. We’ve kept him at the house, allowing him space when he needs it and asking him to join us when we think he should have company. I don’t want to fault my parents, but I wish I’d had someone in my life when I was seventeen and lost Israel. I fell in line with those I thought were comforting me, but their brand of compassion only fueled my anger. Tricia is a balm for Levi, but there’s no way to know what’s in his head.

Over the course of his stay, I’ve learned he likes basketball and plays for the freshman team. Tricia promises him we’ll come to his first game.

“Want to get out of here?” I ask Levi, who sits on a chair looking sullen and lost as more well-meaning people circle him with condolences. He doesn’t answer me, but his eyes say, get me the fuck out of here. I reach around for the back of his neck and squeeze. He stands while I hold the scruff of his neck, and I search for Tricia in the crowd. She’s dressed in a sleek black dress I wish she was wearing for a happier occasion, and I also hope to never see on her again. I don’t own a suit, so I’m in dark jeans and a black dress shirt with a black tie. I tip my head to the door and her brows furrow, but she gives me a slow smile when she sees my hand on Levi.

There’s a cool breeze coming off the lake, but it’s a mild day. Levi walks with his hands tucked into the pockets of his puffy jacket. We detour the two blocks to Tricia’s place, but I tell him I’d like to stay outside a bit longer. I find what I’m looking for on her back porch. The porch is more of a box-like space with a piece of paneling blocking the back door from wind, and I hope to remove it in the spring and build us a proper deck. It’s strange and exciting to make plans for this house.

Levi and I walk briskly down the blocks along Main Street to the outdoor basketball courts by the beach at the end of the business strip. I didn’t come here in the summer. The place was too crowded for me, and I didn’t want to interact with people. I wanted to be in my space and stay under the radar. Now I’m attached to a beautiful woman whose family keeps opening their arms to me, and I intend to visit this beach more often come next summer.

And all this I offer up to Levi.

“I’ve never known anyone like Tricia. She’s so good and clean. It’s almost creepy how nice she is.”

Levi huffs a laugh.

“But that kind of goodness gives love easily, and sometimes people don’t deserve it.” I pause, and Levi looks at me. “I’m talking about myself here. I’ve done bad things in my life, kid. I’ve hurt people and been hurt. I’ve sought revenge and stewed in my own hatred. Never in a million years did I think I’d end up here.” I pause and hold out my arms. “But look where I am. A little slice of Mayberry, working at a garage and trying to earn back the love of a beautiful woman. I want to deserve her.”

Levi huffs again, and I’m not certain I’m making my point.

“You’re allowed to grieve, Levi, in any way you wish. Scream. Shout. Hate. But you’ve got to rein it in when it comes to revenge or violence. You’ve got to go to a good woman like Tricia and tell her you’re reaching a breaking point, so she can offer you the love she has to give and bring you back to this.”

I point up at the cloudy sky, which isn’t immediately pretty but is beautiful in its own right. The scent of snow fills the air, and the quiet of a midafternoon weekday floats around us. The lazy lake hardly moves with the sluggish weight of the ice on it. It’s peaceful—so peaceful—and that’s why I settled in this town. I also know what I’m talking about. I should have never run away from Tricia. Instead, I should have held tight when I needed help with Lena. I should have admitted I needed that help, not out of weakness but out of preservation. Tricia would have been there for me.

“Trent wasn’t nice to her,” Levi says, and I nod, letting him say what he wants.

“He wasn’t always nice to me, either, but sometimes he could be. He was my brother, and I loved him.” He looks up at me, chewing on his lower lip. “I told him I hated him that night.” His voice is no more than a whisper. “I didn’t mean it. How could he leave me like this?”

“Man, if he was any kind of brother, he knew you didn’t mean it. He knew in here.” I pat my chest over my heart. “As for leaving you, that’s a question you will never have answered. We can make guesses about his thoughts, his triggers, his breaking points, but we just can’t understand a person like him. Whether someone takes their life, like your brother, or gets killed, like my brother, we’ll never know why it was their time to go.”

“Your brother was killed?” Levi questions.

“Gang shooting,” I clarify and leave it at that. We finally reach the courts and take a couple of shots. The cold makes the ball hard, like a brick being tossed at a window. We shoot around in silence for a bit, each with our own thoughts of brothers now gone.

“We should probably get back,” he finally says, and I follow his lead.

“Got a girlfriend?” I ask as we walk back to Mary Carter’s house. Over the course of Levi’s time with Tricia and me, we’ve kept most conversation to general things like what do you want for breakfast and what would you like to watch on television, so this whole convo has been more personal. Levi laughs.