Page 79 of Fight from the Heart

Let me love you, Jacob.

Jesus, the thought alone stitched up my heart. Hearing those words from her lips, and then her kissing me like she did, it just meant everything. It was enough to make a strong man weep, and I almost did last night as I finally entered her again. And when she kissed all my tattoos and scars in the shower, if that doesn’t break a man and put him back together, nothing would. Where did this woman come from? What did I do to deserve her? In therapy, we learn to allow deserve as a word. We deserve better, we can be better, and I meant what I said to her. Every day is better, and with her, I expect life to stay that way.

Looking at her sitting in my bed, I feel my heart hammer in my chest. God, do I want her again. Unfortunately, I don’t have time this morning. I slip on the shirt in my hands and cross my room to a sleepy Pam.

“Go back to sleep, angel.” We didn’t get much sleep last night, but even before we did what we did, I noticed she looked tired. But there was also something else about her. She glowed in a way I can’t put my finger on. My eyes dip to her breasts, loosely covered by the sheet. They look bigger to me, fuller even. My mouth waters, but I can’t get distracted yet. I reach out for her hair and brush back the locks.

My phone buzzes on the bookshelf, and Pam and I both look at the screen.

Theresa.

I avoid Pam’s eyes, but hers press into my face, begging for an answer.

“What’s going on?”

I sigh, hating this already. “Theresa booked me a lecture at U of M as long as I was coming back here. She wants me to get back to work immediately. There’s a dinner with the writing department and then a presentation at seven. She booked me a room as it might be late when I finish.”

It’s almost four hours or so from here to the east side of the state, and I hate that I’m already giving up a night with Pam.

“You’ve been out of the center for two weeks. What were you doing then?” We talked only a little bit last night about the time we’ve been apart, and we have so much more that needs to be said.

“I had outpatient visits, plus I put my apartment on the market to sell.” I meant what I said the other night. I’m here to stay. I packed up my things, ordered movers for what I wanted shipped, and left the rest. I leave out how I had to get a restraining order against Mandi. I didn’t need some off the rails behavior like she already pulled. I don’t want to get into Mandi shit. It’s over.

What I want is to keep soaking up moments with my Lilac. What we did last night. What she said to me.

“I could come with you,” she quietly suggests.

“How about if I find you in my bed tonight instead? I can skip the hotel and come back after the lecture.”

“I don’t want you to drive back late. It might be midnight or later. Plus . . .” Her voice drifts.

“I’m not going to drink,” I assure her. “If anything, coming home to you is a good excuse to skip the bars and drinks afterward with the department.”

Pam nods, uncertain of me, and while I’d love to prove myself to her right now, I can’t.

“I hate to do this, but I’ve got to go.”

She shifts to kneel on the bed and takes the sheet with her, covering herself. I hate how she’s hiding from me. Despite our closeness throughout the night, a wall remains between us. It’s thin but present. Her concern isn’t unwarranted, though. I promised myself I’d be good enough for her. I’ll do right by her, but I have a ways to go to prove myself.

“I want to wake up with you every day,” I blurt out, sounding like a sap as I lean forward to brush at the hair along the side of her face. Her blue eyes widen in the dim light. She softly smiles at me, but it’s not reaching her eyes. Am I misreading something here? Did last night not mean what I thought it meant? I want Pam in this bed every night and waking here every morning—with me.

She slowly moves, pushing down the sheet and crawling on her knees to get closer to me. Naked, she reaches out for me, wrapping her arms around my neck and latching her mouth to mine. The kiss is instantly intense and telling me something like her kisses last night.

Let me love you, Jacob.

I want her to, and I want to give her what I can in return. Maybe she can teach me how to love because I want to love her. I want a future with her.

I return the kiss with equal intensity, soaking up her taste, inhaling her scent, and memorizing her touch. She’s sensory overload, and every part of me feels pulled to her. Why have I waited so long for this moment? I’ve wasted so much time holding back from her.

Pam slows the kiss and pulls back from me.

“What was that?” I tease, feeling the heat of that kiss through every inch of my body.

“Just saying goodbye.”

My forehead furrows. A current under her voice scratches at me, like sandpaper going in the wrong direction, but I dismiss it.

“I’ll call you later,” I say, not liking the sound of my own voice any more than hers.