Page 91 of View With Your Heart

“What happened?” I ask, my voice cracking with relief.

“The boat tipped,” Tom answers for them as Gavin helps the boys off the boat.

“What were you doing out there?” I demand, although I already know.

“Gavin said I could go,” Gee says, though his sheepish voice gives away how he knew he wasn’t allowed to go out on the water without an adult.

My eyes try to grab Gavin’s, but he’s busy tying up the back of the boat. As Gee nears me, I tug him into me.

“Are you alright?” I lower before him. “Are you hurt?”

His eyes fill with tears, and he leans toward me. I wrap my arms around him again, holding him to me, kissing his head.

“I’m sorry, Mom. It was so scary.”

I want to know every detail, but first, I want to soak in this moment of him standing safely before me. Gavin finally exits the boat after helping his dad.

“Seems the boat flipped somehow, and they were holding it like the Titanic door.” Gavin gives me a weak smile, but I fail to find humor at this moment.

“You could have drowned,” I say, pressing Gee back from me. “I could have lost you.” I stare at him as tears roll down his cheek. “I’d have nothing if I didn’t have you, do you understand? You’re everything to me.” I pull him back to me and hold him against me as if I can keep him attached to me. I glance up at Gavin. I have so much to say to him, but I can’t think right now.

“Britton, I’m—”

“Don’t,” I snap. I don’t want to hear his apology or how he didn’t mean for it to happen. “You wanted to spend time with him. What was so important?”

Gavin looks around him, his father and sister staring as well.

“I was talking to Joe, my partner. We—”

“You’re leaving tonight. It couldn’t wait?”

“Mom,” Gee whispers, pulling back from me.

“You want to be a father, then you need to be involved. You need to pay attention. It’s not just tossing balls and batting practice.” I’m not being fair, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m upset. For the past hour, I’ve had to fight the fear of losing the only thing left in my life.

“You know what? You’re right. I don’t know the first thing about being a dad. I know shit all about being a parent as it was just sprung on me, but I’m trying here, Britton. I’m trying.”

I don’t respond, remembering too late we have an audience to my breakdown.

“Are you paying attention? I’ve been here for three weeks and been with you almost every night, chasing you all over the place to collect every minute with you. It’s like I’m a fucking teenager again, wanting every part of you, but you’re not letting me in. You’re still holding back.”

I stare at him. I’ve let him in. He’s been around like he said, but he’s always got one foot outside this state. I’m so afraid he’ll leave and not return. Maybe I haven’t completely opened to him because I’m scared he’ll take my heart again and leave me without his.

Gavin takes a deep breath. “I need to go. I’ve got to collect my bags and—”

“That’s right, you need to go. We’re always on a time limit, and maybe that time is up.”

Gavin stares at me, and Gee looks up. “Mom, stop fighting with him.”

“You almost lost our son, Gavin.” I’m visibly shaking with the reality of what could have happened on that rickety boat. “He’s all I have in life. He’s all I have.” I repeat myself to emphasize my fear as I feel myself slipping toward dark thoughts. Gee is mine, and I can’t lose him. I’ve already lost too much, too many important people, Gavin being one of them—repeatedly.

He steps closer to me. “But I didn’t,” he says, trying to make amends, but I’m too wound up to think straight.

“Just leave.” He wants to go anyway. Gee steps out of my arms and throws his around Gavin’s waist. The betrayal cuts deep, and I gasp as Gee clings to Gavin. Gavin rubs a hand over Gee’s head with tenderness and affection and then bends to kiss the top of it. “Gee, buddy, first lesson in love. Always know when to walk away from a no-win argument.”

Gavin presses Gee back and looks him right in the eyes. “I’ll call you later tonight.”

He releases Gee and walks around us, the dock rumbling under the heaviness of his retreating feet. I watch him walk away, feeling like I’m dying inside before I turn back to find his father, brother-in-law, and sister staring after him.