Page 44 of The Heart Remembers

“Four years. Fourteen. What difference does it make? This is my reconciliation. This is me asking forgiveness.”

It shouldn’t be like this.

“You shouldn’t be asking me to marry you,” I state. Derek stands still holding the ring, and I stare at it. It should be a symbol of his love for me and our commitment to one another. It’s a marker of his intention to have a future with me, but I’ve already told him I no longer want a future with him.

We stand in silence for a second, the weight of watching eyes on us. The silence around us is deafening. I look up and out at the crowd, not searching faces but seeking only one person.

Who I notice is gone.

18

[Levi]

I couldn’t watch. I couldn’t bear witness to her accepting the proposal of another man when moments before she’d been in my arms. I wanted to pummel Gee for cutting in and separating us, but most of all, I wanted to kick myself.

The man before her was better than me in every way, and I wasn’t blind to that fact.

He was whole. He was wealthy. He was a successful doctor, even if he looked at other women’s twats all day long.

He was everything I wasn’t.

As I stumble to the gravel parking lot, uncertain how to make a grand escape, I’m fortunate to find Lys near the barn exit.

“Lend me your car,” I demand, vibrating with anxious energy. I need out. Out of the crowd. Out of the barn. Out of the area.

“Where are you going?” she questions, those midnight orbs staring at me with concern.

“I just need to drive.”

“I’ll go with you,” she says, hitching her purse against her shoulder and opening the bag to look for her keys.

“No,” I snap. “I just want to be alone.” AJ’s at the house with a friend of Daisy’s, babysitting for the night, and I’m grateful not to worry about him for the moment. Where I need to go, I never want him to see.

“Levi, let me come with you,” Lys whines, but I can’t do it. I need to go alone.

“Lys, please.” I hold out my hand, begging her.

“Fine,” she grumbles and slaps the key fob in my hand. I hobble to her car, wishing in a moment like this I can still run, but my leg wants to cramp, so I limp as I rush. Once inside her car, it’s as if I can’t get it started fast enough. My hands shake as I press the ignition button, and the car comes to life. I reverse just as I see Katie leaving the barn with Derek at her side. I don’t look back but keep my eyes forward as I peel out of the drive and head for the woods.

Walker Woods was my inheritance. A single-story ranch home with three bedrooms, acres of land, most of it wooded, and an old hunting cottage toward the back of the property. As I pull up near the house, I notice the flowerpots and landscaping that was never there before. The house has a light on inside the front room, but I don’t see any movement through the open window. Perhaps the new owner is at the party for Tom. I wasn’t here for the sale. I let Tricia handle things. I didn’t want the house. I didn’t want the memories.

Stop, Dad. Stop. My younger voice haunts my head.

Taking a chance, I flip off the car lights and slowly coast down the long drive, crunching past the house as the noise below my tires sounds like fireworks, announcing my arrival and killing my attempts to be quiet. Eventually, the drive ends and turns into a path no longer well driven. Not equipped for this rough terrain, Lys’s car bounces and bumbles over the ancient pass.

When I reach the cabin, I park the car and stare at the dark structure. It doesn’t look like it’s been lived in in years, and I’m surprised it’s still standing if that’s the case. I exit the car, staring at the small house as if it would wake from a long slumber. As if I expect a light to pop on inside any second, giving life to the old place.

It did that when I ran here from my father, seeking solace in Tricia’s embrace.

It did that when I came here, hoping my brother would commiserate instead of making it worse.

You’re such a fucking pussy. Grow up.

I hated him as much as I loved him. He’d been the father I didn’t have when he should have been my brother. He was also the other parent when we no longer had a mother. Fortunately, we had Tricia, but Trent was not good to her. He slowly became our dad in how he treated her—how he spoke, how he acted—and I hated myself then for not standing up for her. I didn’t take action to protect her. I watched it happen.

My heart hurts at the thought.

I was just a kid, she’d tell me over and over when I apologized before I left for basic training. I wanted to clear the air on everything before I went away, in case I didn’t come back. I wanted her to know how much I appreciated all she did, all she tried to do for me. I even thanked Leon for stepping in and being more of a man than my brother ever had. But I was still angry when I left, angry with them. Life had moved on, and they were happy, while I was still caught between my dad and them.