Page 36 of Living at 40

Not a winning vote of confidence for his sister, and I defend her. “She’s not a child. It’s not like she’ll grow out of wanting a baby. She’s a woman and on the verge of being too old to have a kid.”

The door at my back suddenly opens, and I almost fall into the bathroom. Moving aside, Autumn steps into the hallway wearing only a towel around her middle. She clutches her pajamas to her chest while water droplets still linger on her shoulder. I do not want to think about taking her in the shower only moments ago, but my damp hair hints at what we did.

“If you all are done talking about me, I’d like to leave the bathroom,” she snaps, directing her glare at her brother. “As for you, thanks for your vote of confidence, Ben. Just because you have the perfect life doesn’t mean it comes easily to others, and it also doesn’t mean I don’t want the same thing.”

“My life isn’t perfect,” he states, matching his sister’s glare. Something under the surface hints at a secret, and that hunch Mason had suddenly feels more like intuition.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. But I’m also not blabbing it all over the place, nor am I losing faith in you,” Autumn argues, her voice softening as hurt laces her words.

“What is she talking about?” Mason asks, his gaze moving from Autumn to Ben.

“Nothing,” Ben mutters, keeping his eyes fixed on his sister.

“What are we missing here?” I ask next.

“What you’re missing is I don’t need you to defend me. Not my age. Not my intentions,” she says to me before turning back to her brother. “If I want to have sex with him, I will.” However, the way she says her piece does nothing to calm the roiling sensation in my stomach. I’m not fucking her just to fuck her, and I’m not having sex with her just to give her a baby. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore other than feeling like I’m falling down a deep well without a way to climb out of it.

+ + +

Bloody Marys don’t help relieve the hangover most of us carry nor dull the pain in my gut at the awkwardness of the morning. Between Ben’s disappointment and Autumn’s hurt expression, my golf game sucks as I can’t concentrate. Mason is uncharacteristically quiet but screw him. Maybe he’s upset Autumn chose me, but I don’t care what his problem is. Ladies’ choice, he said. She chose me for now.

“What will you do if she does get pregnant?” Ben eventually asks me as we stand out on the green while the other two are ahead of us. “Are you going to marry her?”

“Fuck no,” I say a little too adamantly. “She doesn’t want that, remember? The goal is only a baby.”

“The goal is to have someone love my sister as she deserves. An adult-someone which is different than having a child love her.”

I get what he’s saying, and I agree, but that someone isn’t me. That’s not what she wants from me. I could joke about her need for a sperm donor, but I can’t find the humor in the thought nor do I think Ben will appreciate such a thing said about his sister.

“Look, I’ll be whatever she wants me to be. If she wants me hands off, I’ll keep my hands off.”

“Seems a little too late for that,” Ben mocks, lining up for his swing.

“If she needs money or wants support, I’ll give what I can.” The statement does not make my rivaling emotions settle any better. Do I really want to just throw cash at her and walk away from a child, my child?

“Not really a glowing recommendation.” Ben swings and watches as his golf ball takes off.

“What do you want me to do?”

Ben peers back at me, squinting his eyes in the bright sunlight. “I want you to stay away from my sister.” There isn’t much bark behind the biting words, though, and his shoulders fall. “But Anna’s been pushing that it be one of you guys. She thought it should be Mason.”

“Why?” I question. “Why Mason?”

“She’s worried he’s lonely. She probably thought he’d sleep with Autumn, and he’d fall in love with her, like my sister has something magical between her legs.”

“Don’t talk about your sister like that,” I snap. Ben watches me, brows arching at the aggression in my tone.

“Well, I’m not certain how to explain it without being totally grossed out myself. Still, Anna thought any of you would be better than some random sperm donation because at least we’d know the history of the father.”

Autumn hasn’t mentioned artificial insemination in all the conversations where her baby-making decision has come up, so I assumed the list was her plan. I don’t like the idea of her baby’s father being someone random or coming from a frozen test tube. She’s beautiful enough to get a man to sleep with her, and I’m a willing volunteer at the moment.

“What happens when this doesn’t work? She isn’t going to get pregnant after one time,” Ben questions.

My head lowers as it’s already been three. “It only takes once.”

“Don’t talk like you’re the poster child for sex education.” Ben’s voice turns bitter as he leans on his golf club. “It could take months for this to happen. You’re only here until the following weekend, and then what? Back to Indiana for you.”

And she moves onto the next guy. The thought churns in the pit of my stomach.