Page 41 of Living at 40

Staring out at the sun, he finishes his beer and takes mine, finishing it as well.

“What are you thinking?” I eventually ask.

“How I want to lay you out on this sand and watch the sun reflect on your body while I eat you out and hear you scream into the breeze.”

“Jesus.” My core clenches at his directness. Lift my head from his shoulder, he glances over at me.

“See, I’m not thinking about nine months from now or even two weeks. I’m only here in the present, and that present includes you as a gift.”

“You really are sweet,” I admit.

“But I can also be dirty, and I want to be dirty with you.”

“It’s broad daylight.” The sun is setting, but it’s still bright, and the beach is populated enough that sex on the sand would be obscene. Still, the thought of it flutters my insides.

“Maybe we should head back before I do something I don’t think you want to do tonight.” Sorrow fills his voice, and I chew the corner of my lips. I’m not saying I don’t want to continue having sex with him, but it does seem unfair to ask it of him.

He quickly presses upward, standing before me, and reaches down for my hand to tug me off the sand. As I stand, he catches me, wrapping his arms around my waist for a firm hug, and the embrace nearly breaks me. With his hand under my hair, against my neck, and his other hand lower on my back, it’s so nice to just be held, and Logan isn’t letting go. We stand like this for several minutes until a little voice interrupts us.

“Daddy?”

16

[Logan]

The troops have returned, and Lorna stands feet away from me with Mila next to her. In the distance, Ben and Zack are stacking wood in a fire ring. The night is breezy. The air temperature has dropped just enough to hint fall is right around the corner. The first week of August is almost over, and time seems to be speeding up.

“Hey, honey. How was town?” I ask, stepping away from Autumn and feeling the loss of her against me.

“We bought stuff for s’mores and some Moose Tracks ice cream.” Her eyes shift to Autumn and back to me. Without looking, I sense Autumn putting more distance between us.

“I’ve never mastered Moose Tracks in a cookie bar. Maybe I need to try again? Think you can help me with that someday?” Autumn says to Lorna, distracting my daughter from the question written on her face. Why are you hugging my dad?

“Sure,” my daughter answers, not sounding too enthusiastic about baking.

“I’m going to head down to the boys,” Autumn whispers before walking forward. She hesitates near Lorna and Mila. “Hey Mila, come with me.”

I tilt my head for Lorna to follow me. “Come take a walk with me.”

Lorna steps toward me, and we turn for the shoreline where the water laps over the sand. Walking a few feet in silence, I start the conversation.

“Having fun this week?”

“Yeah.”

“You like hanging out with Mila, right?”

“Yes, Dad.” The hint of teenage sass grates on my nerves, but I continue.

“What’s on your mind?” A look crossed Lorna’s face when she saw Autumn and me hugging, and something is rolling around in that brain of hers.

“Nothing.” Is there any worse word in the English language when it comes from children?

“You know that Ben is one of Dad’s best friends.” She doesn’t respond. “And we’ve been friends for a long time, which makes his sister Autumn my friend, too. And friends hug sometimes.”

“I’m friends with Mila. Bryce is her brother. We don’t hug.”

“Umm…” Her quick deduction surprises me. Glancing over at Lorna, I see her head down, feet kicking at the sand as we walk. “Do you want to hug Bryce?” Lord save me. There are only three years between them, but I’d like to think they are young enough the span makes a huge difference. When I was fourteen, I was not looking at eleven-year-old girls.