Page 48 of Living at 40

Silence fills the room once more as Zack closes his eyes, fingertips still at his lips. Mason continues to stare down at his legs, and I’m scanning the room, still wondering what’s happening to us, to him.

Is any of this real?

“What can we do?” I finally ask, no longer thinking of myself. I scoot forward on the couch, balancing myself on the edge of the cushion. “Tell us how to help. What do you want from us? Anything. Ask it.” Two fingers double-tap at my wrist. Does he want my blood? Need a transplant? Want a . . . I don’t know what, just what can I do to stop this from happening to him? Ben Kulis is one of the best people I’ve ever known, and this cannot be happening to him.

Only the good die young. It’s been said, and it has never felt truer than at this moment.

“I just wanted you all to know, and it felt easiest to tell you all at once.” Ben clutches at Anna’s leg. “I want you to stick together as friends and help Anna if she needs it.”

“Ben,” Anna whispers, but it’s Mason’s reaction that turns my head. He’s glaring at Ben while Anna lowers her eyes.

“Be here for Calvin and Bryce when they need a man and help Mila when she needs a father.” He swallows hard once more, and I know what he’s thinking. He won’t attend another father-daughter dance or walk her down the aisle. He won’t be able to yell at her for leaving her cleats in the hall or watch her play another softball game. Will he be gone by next spring? Will it happen in the summer?

“Is this why you asked us here?” I don’t mean the sitting area. I mean Lakeside Cottage. Are we here because he wanted to tell us he was dying?

“Yes. I wanted to spend one last time being us and acting as if we’d never grow old . . . together. I just wanted to hang out and forget.”

“Have you been feeling okay since we’ve been here?” Zack asks, and I recall each of our concerns about Ben looking tired and not drinking alcohol.

Ben only shrugs.

“Why didn’t you mention this earlier?” Zack snaps. “We wouldn’t have pushed so hard. We . . . we wouldn’t have interrupted your vacation.” Zack glares at Ben.

“But this isn’t a vacation for us. This will be our home, and I wanted time with you guys before it might go . . . bad.” Ben pleads with Zack to understand.

“What about your mom?” I ask. Ruthie is a hoot. She was devastated when Ben’s dad had a sudden heart attack and died. She and Old man Kulis were so in love. It wasn’t fair. In the natural progression of things, the parent goes first. I don’t know how Ruthie will survive this. How will Autumn?

Spinning to face her, I snap, “You knew, didn’t you?”

Her mouth falls open, but I turn away from her before she can answer. I can’t tackle this fact. I already know the truth.

“My mom knows. It’s another reason we’re moving here. I want Anna and the kids closer to her, and I want to re-establish the business as best I can, so everyone is provided for.”

“You sold your business. You’re moving here. You’ve given up on medical treatment—”

“Not medical treatment,” Ben interrupts Zack. “I’m just not going to be aggressive in finding a solution that will strip away the time I have left.”

I know enough that chemotherapy isn’t fun, but it could help even if Ben has already said the treatments haven’t. I understand not wanting to be all drugged up or sick all the time, but there must be something. God, let there be something.

“So what? You just hang out here and . . .” I can’t bring myself to speak the word. The anger in my voice feels unwarranted, but I’m not able to help myself. I’m angry. I don’t understand. How did this happen to him?

“Logan,” Autumn whispers next to me, but I turn on her.

“Don’t,” I snap. Turning back to my friends, I ignore Autumn hoisting herself off the couch and leaving the room. This is her brother, but this is my friend. The man who took me in like a brother from another. When I no longer had parents and humor was all I had left, he assured me I’d always have a friend in him. He’d be my family. His family would be mine. In the back of my head, it’s an explanation for why I didn’t respond to Autumn all those years ago. I can’t remember that moment, but my reasoning had to be that Ben was family. I couldn’t disrespect him by taking advantage of his sister. I hadn’t been friends with him as long as Zack or Mason, but Ben made me believe it never mattered. He’d always bring us all back together, keeping us a family.

“What’s next?” Zack asks as if reading my earlier thoughts.

“We just live.” Ben entwines his fingers with Anna’s, bringing their collective hands to his lips and kissing them.

“Pretend nothing’s wrong?” Zack asks, flabbergasted. “How can you ignore this?”

“I’m not ignoring it. I’m just choosing to embrace what I have left before it literally eats me alive.” Ben chuckles, but I don’t find the humor in what he’s said. With my own condition of diabetes, it’s not a laughing matter. Mason must agree with me because he stands and heads to the bar area just off the kitchen. Ice clanks against a glass, and a bottle glugs as liquid pours.

“Bring me one of those,” I holler over my shoulder, not even questioning what he’ll bring me.

“Make it three,” Zack adds.

Anna presses a kiss to Ben’s temple, mutters something to him, and stands. Ben stands with her, cups her neck, and kisses her hard and passionate before us. Zack stares. I look away. A glass breaks near the bar.