Page 68 of Living at 40

“Could I have talked to you about Lorna?” I ask, leaning on the armrest of my chair. I wanted to talk to her about Lorna. I just . . . I don’t know why I didn’t call.

“Of course.”

“Then I want you to feel the same way with me,” I reply to her immediate response. I certainly hadn’t reinforced the offer, though.

“I didn’t want to be a bother.”

“You aren’t a bother,” I repeat. Where is the confident woman, the one taking charge of her life and wanting a baby despite everything? Softening my voice, I question, “What’s going on?”

“I have a habit of taking over. A man in need, and I’m all over him, trying to help, trying to soothe. I insert myself somehow. I hear things that aren’t really said, and the next thing I know, I’ve got a man living with me that I’m taking care of, and he’s not taking care of me in return. I didn’t want to do that with you.”

“I’m not looking to move in with you.” I laugh, brushing off ideas that had whittled their way into my thoughts over the days we were separated. If Chloe could run off to France to be with Peter, could I run off to Lakeside to be with Autumn? It seemed like such a ridiculous notion, especially as I have Lorna full-time. I couldn’t just quit my job, move my child, and shack up with a woman, even if I’ve known her all my life.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with you,” I quickly add. “I want to be with you, but I dropped the ball this week. Lorna had to be my priority.”

“I understand that,” Autumn interjects.

“It doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking of you. Every second of every day. I just . . . I should have called. My fingers hovered over your number a hundred times, but I didn’t know what to say.” Come to me. Be mine. Hold me and tell me I can have it all—my child, your child, you.

“Same,” Autumn softly says, and I laugh.

“We’re so stupid.”

“Speak for yourself.” Her lips slowly curl, and her eyes search mine.

“And you’re too far away,” I quietly admit of her seat over there while I’m sitting here. Setting down her wineglass, she comes to me and positions herself on my lap. I tug her back to my chest, reminding me of when she sat on my couch, between my thighs, and we watched a movie. I want more nights like that and more moments like this. “Tell me I’m forgiven. Tell me we can work this out.”

“Every two weeks,” she mutters. God, what have I done to earn this woman?

“As much as we can.”

“Three hours is a long distance,” she states.

“It’s not so bad.” I echo her words from when she drove to my place. “Please,” I whisper to her neck before pressing a kiss to her cool skin. The blanket is still wrapped around her body, tucking in her arms and covering part of her legs.

“What would it mean?” Her hesitant voice warns me I’m on thin ice. I need to get this right.

“Phone calls,” I quickly state. “And phone sex. Dirty texts. Dates. And sex. Coordinating calendars, and more sex.”

“Is sex all you want from me?” she teases. That’s all we were supposed to have at first.

“Yes.” I laugh. “But no.” I suck at her neck a second time. “I want to talk to you and hold you. I want to hear about your day and tell you about Lorna. I want to be around you, and I want you to spend time with my daughter and me.”

“I’d like that,” Autumn quietly says. “And we can take better precautions about baby-making.”

Shifting her on my lap, I force her to look at me. “Why?”

“Because I don’t want you to feel like the endgame is a trap. I don’t want you to feel obligated or responsible or that I only want the sausage—”

“Shut up.”

“Excuse me?” Her lids blink at my quick interjection.

“Shut. Up. There is no endgame. This isn’t a game to me, Autumn. I’m all in with you. I want to be with you. That’s the end. However we get there.”

She stares at me like she doesn’t understand, so I do what I think will get her on the same page as me. I lean up and kiss her hard and deep. My tongue thrusts forward, invading her mouth, wanting her to hear my words, swallow them, and feed off me. My hand cups the back of her neck, under her hair, holding her to me.

“I want.” I suck at her tongue and nip her lower lip.