Page 82 of Living at 40

“Ignore him,” Ben states.

“This is important, dammit,” Mason continues. “Are you living or existing?” Once again, I don’t have an answer for him, and my former roommate hastily stands.

“Think about it,” he states before disappearing into his bedroom and shutting out the three of us.

“He may be on to something,” Zack admits. “What do you want? It’s your life, Logan. What’s going to make you happy?”

“I didn’t know I was unhappy.”

“Neither did I,” Zack cautiously states. “I thought Jeanine and I were just who we were. Not everyone can be Ben and Anna.” He pauses for a moment, and I can sense the wheels spinning in his head. “You’ve been committed to Chloe even though you were no longer married to her. You stayed in Indy for her and Lorna. But now what? Nothing’s holding you back. You can move onto something bigger, better, other. I understand, man. I’m re-evaluating a lot in my life, and I’m noticing how empty it’s been.”

I understand where Zack is coming from, but I’m well past the newly divorced phase and into the single parenthood stage. I have responsibilities, and I need to be rational. I can’t just pick up and move.

“Even you, Ben,” Zack continues. “What do you want? You still have a life to live. What will you do with it?”

“Love Anna. Be present for my children. Live a simpler life here at the lake.”

“No offense, man, but you aren’t dead yet. What about your head? How will you keep busy? What will stimulate you?” Zack smacks the side of his head.

“I’m going to consult at Dad’s company.”

“You could grow it. Move it into something more,” Zack encourages.

“Are you seriously in favor of this idea?” I question Zack.

“I wouldn’t have offered to pay your portion if I wasn’t.” I’m a little surprised. Zack’s been quick to jump on board with Mason’s dream. Our dream. And I’m still in shock how easily he offered to foot my initial investment in this possible venture.

I glance over at Ben, who stares at Zack.

“Mason’s right. Just think about it,” Zack says before he stands and exits to the bedroom we’ve been sharing.

I turn to Ben. “Just ignore them,” I repeat his words from only moments ago.

“But I can’t ignore it, can I?” Ben says. “I don’t have time ahead of me to pass on things for later, and I really do want to be happy. Until my last breath, I want to do what I want with my life.”

He pats my thigh and stands, leaving me to ponder everything.

32

[Autumn]

I could have killed a man having sex with him. Okay, maybe not quite that extreme. But still, my thoughts race, and I can’t sleep. Eventually, I slip from bed, check on Lorna—who peacefully sleeps in the bed opposite Mila—and sneak out of the house.

Crossing the driveway, I know where the spare key is kept for the apartment, and I climb the stairs to let myself inside. Zack and Logan are sharing a room. As I step into their room, I find Logan sitting up in bed, reading something off his laptop. He isn’t wearing a T-shirt and looks as if nothing happened to him, but the dark circles under his eyes give him away. He watches me silently cross the room and lower to kneel next to his bed. Reaching for his hair, I brush my fingers through the soft, dark locks and chew my lower lip.

“Sweetheart, what are you doing in here?” he quietly asks.

“I couldn’t sleep.” I try to keep my voice lowered as well, so I don’t disturb Zack.

Logan reaches for my hand and brings it to his lips, pressing a kiss into the center of my palm.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

I shake my head. I’m not okay. “Are you?”

He softly chuckles. “I’ve been better, but I’m even better now that you’re here.” He gives me a more genuine grin than earlier this evening, and his dimples show. I can’t help smiling back at him but my lips quiver.

“Get up here,” he softly demands. I press upward, scrambling onto the twin bed next to him while he sets his laptop to the side. Wrapping my arms around him, I still worry my touch alone will harm him. Yet I need to hold him. I need to feel him against me. I need to hear his heartbeat, and I slip a palm to his left pec, pressing my hand there.