Page 53 of Learning at 40

“It will be. Pizza, guys?”

“Okay,” Trevor says without glancing up.

“Cheese only,” Oliver adds, still focused on his page.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen them color.” The admission sounds sad even to my own ears, and it’s pathetic that I haven’t seen my boys do such a simple task. They’re so active I don’t ever find them still.

“I find it soothing.” She rubs a hand up and down Oliver’s back as if stroking lightly up his spine is as calming to her as coloring is to the kids. As I continue to watch my boys calmly color, River touches one and keeps the other close. While Trevor doesn’t like River touching him, he’s near enough to her that his side presses against her hip. His proximity suggests he trusts her, he feels safe with her, and she comforts him.

She comforts all of us, and I don’t know how I’ll walk away from her.

20

[River]

“Angel,” Zack grunts from behind me. He pulled me off the lounger later that night, and I’m on my knees, with my belly on the chaise cushion. My hair is fisted at the nape of my neck, and Zack’s hand falls to my hip, where he likes to rest it.

“Can’t. Get. Enough.” He stammers with every thrust, and I clench around him. He’s already given me his mouth, and I returned the favor with mine, but as he drew close to release, he flipped me to my belly and tugged me like a rag doll into this position. He’s making up for last night when I’d had too much to drink, and he didn’t want to take advantage of me. I appreciate the gentlemanly behavior.

“River,” he warns. “One more.” His command for another orgasm shouldn’t be hot, but it is. If only I could respond on-demand as he wishes, but sensing my hesitation, he lowers his chest to my back and slips the hand at my hip forward. Flicking my clit, he hisses near my ear. “Compromise.”

I chuckle, wondering what we’re possibly negotiating in this position. This man already molds my body in whatever manner he wishes. He also holds my heart, which is dangerous. We’re on borrowed time, and tonight I feel it more than ever.

When I finally break, and he follows in tandem, he collapses on my back, pressing his forehead to my shoulder blade.

“Holy shit,” he gasps. Not terribly romantic, but definitely an understandable statement. He uses a beach towel he tossed on the grass to clean me up and then helps me rise to sit on the cushion once more. The blanket from the other night rests on the lounger as we used it to cover ourselves in part. As Zack tucks his face to my chest, he wraps a leg over both of mine, sandwiching my thighs between his.His arm wraps around my middle, and I stroke through his hair as he clings to me like a lighthouse guiding him home.

“How do you think she’s doing?” I finally ask. We had pizza in my yard, giving the kids a change of scenery for the night and Anna a rest. Calvin didn’t join us, and eventually, Autumn took half a pizza to her teenage nephew. I’d learned what happened, and my heart broke for all of them again. The tree house was a good distraction for the younger set. Even Mila and Lorna played along with pirate adventures while Logan and Zack discussed Anna. Mason wasn’t present.

“She’ll get there, wherever there is, but it’s so hard. I mean, I’m her best friend, so it’s difficult to watch. Ben was one of my closest friends as well, and I feel his loss, but it’s nothing like what it must be for those kids or her.” Zack rubs his nose against my skin. “I don’t even want to imagine losing someone I love like Anna lost Ben.”

A loss like that is difficult. The hole in my heart after my grandfather died didn’t feel like it could ever be filled. But loving and losing my parent-figure was not the same as loving and losing a spouse. I’m going to lose Zack soon enough, but it won’t be the same thing either. We haven’t discussed any kind of future, and tonight would not be the night for the topic.

“Can I ask you something unrelated to them?” We’ve been silent several minutes allowing the breeze to cool our skin and the dark night to blanket us.

“Hmm?” Zack purrs.

“Why won’t you come into the house?”

At his sudden stiffness, I realize we shouldn’t breach this subject tonight either, yet I need to know why he’s so apprehensive. Did something else happen to him in the house? How can he handle being in the yard? What is the connection or rather disconnect?

“It’s going to sound stupid, but I love this house. It’s where so many happy memories exist but also where some painful ones occurred. I just don’t know if I want to face either demon by entering.”

“How can you be in the yard then?”

Zack shrugs as he slowly unwinds himself from my body and perches up on an elbow. His fingertip traces along my collarbone.

“I just can. Maybe on that first day the boys crawled over here, I was pissed. Pissed to have to step foot over here, but . . . I just had to apologize. Sitting next to you was calming.” His gaze lowers for my chest, and his finger slowly zigzags down my skin. “It’s like my boys coloring earlier. Being near you is soothing.”

“Your boys certainly aren’t stagnant near me.” I chuckle at the quickly restored energy of two rambunctious seven-year-olds once they had pizza for dinner.

“Still. I think they feel . . . safe with you. I told you Jeanine and I fought often, and I’m not proud of that fact, but my boys heard it. When Anna started to lose it tonight, they came here seeking peace and solace.”

“They will always be welcome in this yard,” I state, confident I would never turn them away. “That tree house is theirs as long as I live here.”

His head snaps up at the comment, and his fingertip stills at the swell of my breast above the blanket. “Are you considering moving?”

“Not that I’m aware of,” I tease. “But this house needs a lot of work, and I’m not certain if I can handle the upkeep. I mean, it’s paid for in full, thanks to Quincy, but there are still taxes and so many internal repairs and renovations needed.”