Page 61 of Learning at 40

“What else did she say?” I sound like a desperate teen. Does she like me? What did she say about me?

“She said she thought you were lost.”

I am, and for some reason, I think of the Lost Boys and Neverland and pirate ships floating through the sky. It might be that the boys made me watch Peter Pan earlier tonight, but there’s someone who grounds those little boys and focuses on Peter. A mother figure in her own right. A girl who is smart, witty, and kind.

River is my Wendy, and I need her.

“She also believed you’d get there. You needed practice. Like I said, Ben didn’t know how to be a father. It took practice.”

Like anything, it takes practice. River was referring to my flirting abilities when she said that, but fatherhood could fall on the list as well.

Softly, I chuckle. “Is that why you have three children?”

“The first is the rehearsal child.” She winks at me with a swollen lid.

“What does that say about me, then, if I had two at once?”

“Maybe you needed double the practice?” Her voice lifts before a more genuine smile graces her face.

“Seriously, how is Calvin?”

“He’s sad and confused and hurt and stubborn, like his father.” Her smile remains, but she glances down at her mug. “He’ll get there, wherever there is, eventually. We all will.” Anna turns to me. “And so will you.”

“I feel like I don’t know where I’m going anymore or what I’m doing. I have the law practice and my partners, and I’ve added Four Points. But then I’ve lost Jeanine, which, let’s face it, wasn’t a loss, and I have the boys to navigate.”

“Navigate,” Anna repeats the word. “In some ways, navigate implies learning.” Spoken like the teacher she is. “But I think the best thing you can give those boys is love, Zack. Unconditional. Unwavering. It’s hard work at times, like my standoff with Calvin. The rewards are in the small stuff. I’ve seen Oliver come to you for affection, and you’ve been more willing to offer it. I see Trevor hovering closer to you. They just want your attention, Zack. Your time. You work too hard.” She pauses. “Sometimes on the wrong stuff.”

You make time for love, River told me.

Anna isn’t wrong either. I’ve known for a while that my work was my escape. I didn’t want to face my home life until it imploded. Maybe my own father felt the same way. He couldn’t face the disappointment or the pressure he thought my mother put on him to be like the McCaryn family. He couldn’t face his own failures, so he kept at it, working harder to find the means, but only dug the hole deeper. He gambled, eventually embezzled, and went to jail.

I don’t want the consequences of Jeanine and me to cause such damage to my boys. They need their mother, or perhaps just a mother. A mother figure who cares for them with trust, respect, and kindness.

“I messed up with River,” I admit. “I overreacted. Or reacted. I . . . bulldozed.” My lids close, and Anna’s hand touches my hair, comforting me like the mother she is.

“Then fill in the ditch, Zack. Plant some flowers, as Ben’s father used to say.”

I softly chuckle. “What was that saying Mr. Kulis had?”

“You seed. You plant. You grow. You harvest.”

“Yeah.” I guffaw. “Ben had his own thing last year. Live. Love. Loss. Learn.”

“It’s a cycle,” Anna states.

“That’s exactly what he said.” My head lifts, knowing the two of them might not have been perfect, but they were perfectly in sync with one another.

“What stage are you at?” Anna teases.

I consider all I’ve lost in the past year—my marriage and my best friend. I’m learning as I go right now, but I’m also willing to learn as I live. So that means . . .

“Ready to love.”

“Your boys?” Anna tweaks a brow.

“And River,” I whisper.

Anna’s smile grows. “Ben would be so happy for you.”