Page 64 of Learning at 40

She turns again, leaving me stunned on the stoop before she enters her house and closes the door on me once more. For the first time, I understand what falling really means. It wasn’t falling in love but cascading into a pit of despair—utter, hopeless despair—that I just lost the perfect woman for me.

A woman I desperately need and trust.

24

[River]

I was exhausted. After the double shift, the morning altercation, and then another shift, I just wanted to sleep for weeks. Unfortunately, on my day off, my body said, get up, be productive. Never waste a good day, and today is a perfectly good day, Grandfather would say, wanting every moment in life to count for something. I originally had plans to spend time with Zack. Those plans were now a bust.

As I was at risk of two little boys rushing into my yard, I decide I need to get away from the house, so I went to a local farmers’ market, then hit up a flea market. It was time to start renovating this old house where I could. Some new decorations along with a paint job in a few rooms might be a start.

Going to dinner by myself at Driftwoods or even Rudder’s felt pathetic, so I bought takeout and took it to the public beach where I knew I wouldn’t see Zack or any of his friends-cation crew. I ate alone, watching the sun lower in the sky just a touch earlier than it had two weeks before. Mid-August still brought the heat during the day, but a chill at night warned that summer was coming to a close.

I’d been reflective as I ate, recalling Zack’s response to the sight of his father. I imagine it was quite a shock if he hadn’t seen the man in over twenty-five years. His reaction, while understandable, wasn’t attractive. Zack didn’t need to be a perfect man, but he did need to be a decent human being. Oliver and Trevor hadn’t known how to respond to the sharp snarl in his voice as he told a complete stranger he wasn’t allowed to have memories. Sometimes memories were all we had, especially when the physical person was no longer in our lives for whatever reason. Not wanting to disappoint the boys because of their father’s crappy mood, I carried on with the plan to show a movie in my yard, however inappropriate that movie might have been for his sons. His children. His concern. The thought hurt considering all I’d done for them, but then again, I didn’t do things for others in hopes of a return investment. People weren’t banks. You didn’t make a deposit only to withdrawal more than they could give. And I was spent on thoughts of Zack.

When I finally return home under cover of darkness, I find a bouquet in a glass vase on my front porch.

Wildflowers for my wild girl. Her generous spirit is endless.

A bushel of roses couldn’t have brought forgiveness for the hurt Zack caused me yesterday morning. My heart felt removed with a dull scalpel and no anesthesia. He hadn’t trusted me. He thought I tricked Quincy and believed I was only after money. The accusations were familiar because Quincy’s children thought the same thing. The will had been contested but found authentic. I inherited the house through Quincy’s generosity. In some ways, I understood how Daniel and his siblings couldn’t appreciate the gift. They didn’t seem to have a decent bone in their bodies.

I hated feeling like a coward, but I didn’t trust myself to wander into my own backyard. The friends-cation clan planned a beach fire for their last night. The men would be staying up late for a toast in memory of their friend who passed away. Zack told me about the message, although not the message he’d specifically received from Ben. I’d been invited to attend the early portion of the evening, and Zack planned to meet me after their new ritual. That would no longer happen.

It was difficult to accept that I wouldn’t be seeing Zack for one more night. I really thought we were headed in the same direction, even if we hadn’t discussed a future. We were moving forward, not stagnant. However, I’d been wrong before in my assessment of a relationship. Is a ten-day fling grounds for a relationship anyway? I didn’t have answers. Before Zack, I thought my only focus was work and this house. He was something I had not expected and was not ready to give up. However, it certainly felt like decisions had been made. I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t trust me, believe in me . . . love me.

Love. It hadn’t been on my radar. It wasn’t that I didn’t want it. I definitely did. I just hadn’t foreseen it happening anytime soon. I was still adjusting to my new position—a new city, a new home, a new job. I also hadn’t seen myself falling so hard for his children, which widened the hole already in my heart when I thought of the twins not being next door.

I wasn’t just losing their father but losing them as well, and although they weren’t my children, as Zack reminded me, I still had strong feelings about them. Oliver was so affection-desperate, and Trevor just ached. I knew I couldn’t cure them of the ailments inflicted by a missing mother, but I’d been willing to try. I’d been wanting to try, and it was all a foolish thought after only ten days.

I carry the flowers into the house and set them on the kitchen table as the doorbell rings. My head hangs. I can’t take another argument with Zack. I can’t even handle an apology from him. I just need to be alone with my thoughts. Still, I wander to the door, wondering who would actually ring the bell. To my surprise, it is my neighbor but not the one I expected.

“Anna?”

“It’s a long-overdue housewarming gift. Welcome to the neighborhood.” She holds up a wine bottle and smiles.

“Thank you. That’s very sweet of you.” I reach out for the housewarming gift, remaining in place.

“Would it be bold of me to ask if you’d share a drink with me?” She nods at the container in my hand.

I sigh. “You don’t need to do this.” I stare down at the red wine. “You didn’t have to come on his behalf or even pretend to be my friend. I swear it won’t be awkward.” I had been alone for so long I was used to the silence of my own company.

“I’m not pretending, and I’m not here for he who shall not be named.”

I laugh at the reference.

“I’m here for me, actually.” My head pops up. “I thought we could talk.”

The suggestion was similar to Zack’s last words, but I didn’t want to talk about him.

“I need someone to talk to,” Anna softly admits, holding her gaze on me. “But I understand if you’d rather not because of him.” She hitches a thumb over her shoulder, pointing at the house next door.

“Don’t be silly. If you need to talk, I’m a good listener.” Stepping back, I give a wide berth for her to enter my home. Lending an ear is sometimes better than offering your heart. Grandfather 3:20-million.

As Anna walks through the house, she glances around the family room, and I follow her to the kitchen. She’s obviously familiar with the layout of the place.

“In some ways, it’s so different yet exactly the same.” She stands beside my kitchen table, and I walk around a peninsula cabinet to retrieve wineglasses.

“I know your mother was best friends with Zack’s, so I assume you’ve spent time in here.” I didn’t know if I should mention Zack’s dad and decided against it. His father was his business and the story of their meeting wasn’t mine to tell.