Page 68 of Learning at 40

+ + +

The next day, I wake with a nasty hangover, but it’s time to leave. I’ve missed another night with River, and as much as I long to cross into her yard, I don’t know what to say to her. She works the morning shift as yesterday was her day off, and I’m sad that she hasn’t had final words with the boys.

To my surprise, I find them each digging into a paper treasure chest full of things. It’s an explosion of books, Lego sets, another eye patch for each of them, and plastic hand hooks.

“What’s this?” The sound of my own voice is too loud for my pounding head.

“Miss River gave us each our own treasure.” Oliver holds up a book about pirates. Trevor slips the hand hook over his fist. Sadly, I want to ask if River left anything for me, but I know she didn’t.

“Maybe you need to go over there and steal her booty,” Mason mutters, coming up beside me as the boys have littered the floor of the sitting area off the kitchen.

“You’re so inappropriate,” I mumble as he hands me a mug of coffee. “But I could kiss you for this.” What I should do is kick his ass for always bringing out the tequila when I’m at my lowest. At forty-one, you’d think I would’ve learned my lesson.

“My booty doesn’t swing that way, but thanks for the offer.” Mason winks at me before laughing, which rattles my teeth. Why is everything so loud today?

“Okay, boys. We need to pick up and pack our stuff.”

Oliver stills before looking up at me. “We didn’t say goodbye to Miss River.”

“I know, but she has to work today, and we need to head home.”

“Why can’t we live here?” Trevor asks. “We’re leaving the tree fort.”

“It doesn’t belong to us. It’s in River’s yard. We can build our own at home.”

“But Miss River said it was ours,” Trevor says, his voice winding up. “She said it would always be ours.”

“And it will be, but it stays here with her.” I hate that I’m giving them an empty promise. I don’t know that River will honor what she told the boys.

I’ll be guarding it for you.

My thoughts race to her marrying someone and having those babies she wants. Her children will play in that tree fort. Or maybe she’ll move. Maybe she’ll sell the place, and my boys won’t ever be allowed to enter the yard next door again. Panic seizes my chest, but I tell myself it’s only the reflux of a queasy stomach after a night of drinking.

“I don’t want to go home,” Oliver says, his voice quivering. “I don’t want to leave Miss River.”

Man, I understand his pain, but instead, I grow angry. “I said pick this shit up. We need to get going.”

Trevor’s head pops up, and if a seven-year-old could maim with a look, I’ve just lost my head. Oliver swipes at his eyes, and Trevor tips his head as he glances at his brother. He offers a protective hand to his twin’s back before slowly beginning to place items back in his box.

My heart sinks to my belly, and I can’t blame the alcohol for the acid roiling in my stomach.

That’s shame, and it’s all my fault.

+ + +

The packing of cars is chaos, and there isn’t enough ibuprofen in the world to tame my headache. Every vehicle door slam rattles my brain. Still, we load my car as Logan and Autumn linger with baby Ben and Lorna. Anna and Mila come outside. Calvin and Bryce have already said their goodbyes to the boys and me yesterday. As I place the final bag in my trunk, Mason stumbles out of the garage apartment with a bag of his own.

Anna glances up at him, and the expression on her face looks like panic. Mason heads to the trunk of his car and opens the hatch.

“Where are you going?” she finally asks, a tremor in her voice along with the demanding edge of curiosity.

“I think it’s time I leave, too.”

The air around all of us stills.

“What about Four Points?” Logan asks, and Mason stills with his hand on the trunk. He’s the one who pushed this venture. He can’t back out. What is he doing? What is he thinking? He hadn’t mentioned leaving last night.

“Let’s talk tomorrow.” He glances over at Logan for support. Logan looks at me and then back at our friend and nods.