Page 83 of Learning at 40

When I return down the stairs, dressed in shorts and a sweatshirt because the late afternoon air temperature is shifting, I find Zack where he said, seated on the lounger. He holds a glass of wine in his hand, and when I settle next to him, he hands it to me.

“Is this mine?” I question.

“I thought we could share.”

I softly chuckle at the reminder of our first night. “Do you know how?” I tease, finding my tone suggests more.

“You seem off,” Zack says, keeping his eyes forward. The sun won’t set for hours, but it’s hanging lower in the early evening sky.

“I’ve had a few things on my mind this week.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” He still doesn’t look at me when he asks.

“Why would you say that?” I shift on the lounger to lean on my shoulder. Zack refuses to look at me.

“You know I hate confrontation.” His hand swipes through his hair, a tell-tale sign he’s upset.

“Why would you ask such a thing?” I question again, keeping my voice low. Zack remains quiet a second, considering something before he speaks.

“I could end up like Daniel,” he states, and it’s not what I expected him to say. Not one bit.

“How?”

“I could be bitter and hateful. Resentful even about my dad.” He side-eyes me before narrowing his, facing forward again. “You said Quincy wasn’t a good father. Whatever happened caused a wedge with his kids. He wanted to make amends at the end, and they didn’t. Now, they just continue living with their anger and Quincy . . . he’s just dead.”

I wince at the directness of his reference.

“I don’t want to be like that.” He turns his head toward me. “That’s why I want to be with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you won’t let me be like that.” He implies Daniel.

“Does this mean you want to make up with your father?” The concept surprises me, but I’d also be so happy for Zack. He needs something with the man.

“It means I recognize I need to let it go. The thing with my father has closed off my heart for too long. I was guarded, so guarded. Thinking I wouldn’t be hurt ever again like that. I wouldn’t be abandoned, but instead, I abandoned my own kids. They didn’t know I loved them.” His eyes focus on my face. “Until you told them I did.”

Oh. “Zack, honey. They knew. They knew because you were here for them. Their mother left, but you remained in your own way.”

Zack swipes a hand through his hair, looking away again. “But my way wasn’t good enough.”

“It’s not a competition.”

“But I want to be better.” He turns to me once more. “With you, I’m better.” His eyes search my face. “Are we breaking up?”

The vulnerable man I’ve seen and loved returns in those silver eyes, and I have to get this off my chest.

“Why are you with me?”

“Because I love you.” Zack shifts on the lounger to mirror my position. His shoulder presses into the cushion as he faces me.

“Are you sure it isn’t about the house?”

“What?! No, of course not. Why would you ask that?”

It’s my turn to shift away, and I twist to my back, facing the lake slowly rippling off in the distance. I shrug. “You just seem so wrapped up in it. First, you didn’t want to enter it, and then when you did enter, all you want to do is fix it up. I’m worried you want what it represents more than you want me.”

“River,” he drones. “Look at me, angel.” He reaches for my jaw, gently forcing me to look at him. “I do want what it represents. I want a home with you. I want to live with you. But it doesn’t have to be this house. We can burn it to the ground and build a new one. Or we can sell it and move. We can live in Detroit.”