Page 104 of Letting Go at 40

“I don’t know why she’s acting like this.” Anna turns to me, eyes concerned.

Seems Mila is holding a grudge over me kissing her mother.

“Do you have other plans?” I ask Mila, staring up at her as she grips the railing half a flight above me.

“She doesn’t,” Anna mutters beside me before staring pointedly at her youngest child.

“Mind if we chat for a second?”

Anna turns back to me at the sound of my voice, and I tip my head toward Mila.

She shakes her head, eyes full of concern before she holds out a hand for Lynlee. “Let’s go take your picture in that beautiful dress.”

As they walk toward the kitchen, I take the stairs two at a time before stopping a few steps lower than Mila. We’re eye level when I ask, “What’s going on?”

“I don’t want to go.” Her tone is defiant but her lower lip trembles.

“Why not?”

“I just don’t.” Mila crosses her arms, again defensive but the slump of her shoulders suggests something otherwise.

“Talk to me, sweetheart.”

Mila turns her head to the side and then turns back, giving me a look that mirrors Ben’s. “You kissed my mom.”

“I know.” I exhale. “I won’t apologize for that, though, Mila. I like your mom. A lot.” I love her but I don’t think confessing my emotions to Mila before Anna is on board the love train is a good idea. “You’ll get that when you’re older,” I add.

“Everyone says that to me, like I don’t understand. I’m twelve. Not a child.” Her voice suggests she’s very much still a kid, but I’ll play along.

“Okay, as a grown up then, tell me what’s wrong with kissing your mom and why you really don’t want to go to the dance?” I’m not letting her off the hook with a lame excuse of she doesn’t want to attend. We’ve enjoyed the past two years, and Lorna and Logan are going again.

“It’s a father-daughter dance. You aren’t my dad,” she whispers, gaze lowered to her feet where her toe is trying to dig into the wooden stair. “And you have Lynlee.”

Is she jealous of my daughter? And what about what she said regarding Ben?

“You’re right. I’m not your dad.”

Mila’s head pops up.

“Your dad was a great man. I can never be him.” No matter how hard I tried, if I tried, I’d never be Ben. “I’ll never be half the man he was.” I exhale, releasing the frustration and the honesty. “And I’m not certain I’ll even be a good dad to Lynlee.”

Mila’s eyes widen. Her mouth falls open but then clamps shut.

“So, here’s the deal. I need help. Because you had a great dad and I’m trying to learn how to be at least a good one. And since you’re grown up, you could teach me. You could give me pointers and advice, and check in on me, see how I’m doing. For Lynlee. Being that she’s a girl and you’re . . . a young lady, and I want to be a good girl dad.”

Mila’s face turns a sweet pink, and she avoids my gaze again.

“I’d really like you to go to the dance with us. You can roll your eyes with Lynlee when I do something stupid and scowl at me if I embarrass both of you.” I pause, before offering her more truth. “I didn’t have a great dad myself, Mila. Your dad was my example of good parenting and fatherhood. He was trying to teach me how to be better when he passed away. Now, the people I count on to continue his lessons are you and Bryce and Calvin.”

Mila sniffs and swipes at the side of her nose where a tear softly streams. Another tear leaks from her other eye.

“What do you say, kiddo?” I cough. “I mean, young lady.”

With a wet chuckle, she says, “I’ll go if you don’t call me young lady.”

“You got it, teen spirit.” Mila rolls her eyes and I smile. “There’s my girl.” She laughs a little harder and I hold out my hand. “Deal?”

Mila stares at the hand a second and then surprises me by tossing her arms around me, nearly knocking me down the stairs in surprise. But I catch her, like I always will when she leaps, and hug her hard.