Page 121 of Letting Go at 40

Or without her.

My heart implodes, chest clamping tighter.

Self-preservation strikes again.

“I think it’s time I go.” I lower my head, unable to look at her. “Lynlee and I can’t continue to live in a borrowed apartment. The goal has always been to make a home for my daughter. Give her a house with a yard. Get her a swing set.” Fill all the spaces with love.

She deserves it. Dammit, I deserve it.

“I’ve fucked up long enough as a parent. And I’m done fucking around with my life.”

“What are you saying?” Anna chokes on the question but she can’t be that ignorant.

“I’m moving out.” I look up, bold and direct, catching those soggy brown eyes.

We stare at one another for a long, hard minute. She doesn’t respond to what I’ve said, but a sob breaks free. The sound is a final clamp on my chest, piercing my heart, shattering me.

Then, she nods once and exits my room, shutting the door behind her.

I fall back to the pillows, staring up at the ceiling. Both my hands scrub down my face, questioning what just happened. Wondering what I’ve done.

I just broke up with Anna.

Chapter 42

2 Months Ago

July

Ben’s Second Anniversary

[Anna]

It takes me a few minutes to collect myself. My fingers shake so badly I can hardly dress. I trip over sliding my leg through my shorts. My tank top gets caught on my breasts. All I can think about is fleeing this apartment.

Let Go.

Why would he mention Ben?

The smallest reprieve is that Mason doesn’t exit the bedroom. I snatch my phone off the low table between the couches and rush out the apartment door, closing the door with a soft click before pressing myself against it. Taking a few deep breaths in the bright sunshine, I tip my head back and close my eyes. Silent tears trickle down my cheeks.

One minute we were basking in the afterglow of some incredible sex. The next I was giggling about moving in together until I realized Mason was serious. I want us living together. One roof. One house. One family.

My head was spinning. From there, everything spiraled.

The future. Us.

What did I want?

Was what we had enough? I hadn’t thought about it. In the months since we started having sex, Mason has been on my mind constantly. Not that he hadn’t been before that time, but sex had upped the ante. I couldn’t stop thinking of him. The way he touched me. The way he held me. The way he made me feel so incredibly alive. And whole.

I’m moving out.

How could this be happening? My biggest fear has come to fruition. Mason would leave. He’d grow tired of his warped idea of obligation to Ben and get sick of me. He wanted more from me, but didn’t he see he had all I had to give?

I thought we were in a good place. What the hell just happened?

I stumble down the steps along the side of the building. My feet feel heavy. My heart weighing me down.