Page 24 of Letting Go at 40

“He wants you to live yours, too. He appreciated you being here.”

Slowly, I lift my head again, keeping my eyes on Calvin’s profile. “You know there wasn’t anywhere else I wanted to be this past year.”

“Yeah, but you have your own life. Your own little girl.”

I nod. “And for a blip of time, my life is here.” Let me worry about my little girl. I won’t be here forever. The thought has me turning my head toward the closed door, listening once more for wrenching sounds of Anna’s grief. The thought of no longer being here makes me want to cry, if I were a crying kind of guy. Through everything with Ben, I’ve held myself together. Tears aren’t my thing.

“You don’t have to go,” Calvin whispers, hesitation fills the words.

“I’ll never leave you, bud. Never.” I reach out and give his knee a squeeze. I’m not sick or dying, and until that day, I’ll be by his side where I’m physically present or just a phone call away. “I’ll always be around for whatever you need.”

“Can I have a drink?” he nods at the bottle between us.

“Not on your life,” I admonish.

“Worth a try.” Calvin laughs.

While I’d have been the cool uncle in another life, probably letting an eighteen-year-old get drunk with me, I’m trying to be more responsible, more adult. More Ben. And he’d kill me if I let his underage son drink.

“How long do you sit here?” Calvin asks.

I tip my head back and close my eyes. “As long as it takes.”

As long as it will take her to grieve and recover from the sever to her heart, I’ll be here.

For her. For them.

Chapter 10

2 Years Ago

August

Second Reunion

[Anna]

The two weeks are passing in a haze of Ben memories. The jokes. The shenanigans. The good old days. And the weight of the future presses down on me. School will soon start and I’m returning to work in a full-time substitute position for a young woman on maternity leave. Calvin will be a senior and he’s pushing all my buttons, establishing independence before I’m ready to let him go. Bryce is my quiet one and football will consume his time. Mila and I will be left to circle one another as my middle schooler pulls away from me.

And Mason is going to leave, as he should. He has a life and a daughter of his own.

Zack told me Mason disappeared the other night, saying he’d met someone in town and was going to see her again, and I accepted it’s time for Mason to move forward. The idea of Mason with someone bothers me, though. It shouldn’t bother me. But there’s an itch beneath my skin at the thought of him randomly hooking up with a stranger. When did he find the time to meet someone?

Will I ever meet someone?

Ben and I occasionally joked about dating, usually after some exploit of Mason’s. Ben would exaggeratedly shiver and graciously proclaim he was happy he wasn’t dating in our current times. He was happy with me, and after years with such a good man, I couldn’t fathom being with someone else. Still, I can admit, I’m lonely. I’ve missed Ben for months before he even left this earth and yet the finality of his passing was no easier even though we knew it would happen.

Sometime during these days together, Zack has formed an attachment to my next-door neighbor. Her name is River Nagle, and I’d, unfortunately, not met her because of the craziness of the last year. However, Zack has brought her around, including her in our chaotic dinners and a few of our days at the beach. My serious friend is almost blossoming before me into a new man. He’s falling in love and doesn’t know what to do with the emotion.

When I’m out of my head long enough to witness this change in one of my oldest friends, the process almost makes me sad. Not for Zack. I’m thrilled for him as he’s freshly divorced and adjusting to being a single dad of two rambunctious boys. He needs someone stable and a bit carefree, which River certainly is, to balance him out. Or maybe keep him unbalanced. Either way, he’s happier than I’ve seen him in years.

It’s that happiness that rocks me.

I just want to be happy again.

I want the tears to stop flowing. I want to stop feeling this lethargy. I want to stop the hopelessness.

And for another night, everything crashes down on me. I’m crying again although I don’t even know what I’m crying about. It’s not a specific thing but perhaps everything. The guys and their good-time memories. Zack finding love with my neighbor. My kids, especially a recent fight with Calvin. Returning to work where I’ll have the distraction and structure, but I’m not convinced I have the mental capacity to teach.