Page 57 of Letting Go at 40

This is a lie I tell myself because the pull to her grows stronger with every conversation we share. Every honest moment and quiet stare. Every risky chance and soft touch.

“I’m just not ready to date,” Anna defends, her voice rising over the music which might be slow but is loud. She sits up straighter and hits me with those warm brown eyes.

“No one’s talking about dating. It’s just a dance.” My insides feel like a taut wire, ready to snap. Who the fuck said dating?

“Jenna keeps mentioning second chances. She’s not pressuring me, just telling me it’s okay to put myself out there. And River asked me to attend some grief group, hoping I’d meet people in similar situations.” She air-quotes around the words. “Amelia will be coming for a visit because Archer is finally home, and she’s going to push.”

“Push what?” I stare at Anna, heart hammering.

“Dating.”

I hold up both hands, still perplexed and panicking at the concept. “Anna, slow down. No one says you have to date.” Who the fuck would she date?

“It’s too soon.” This conversation feels one-sided, like she’s trying to convince herself more than tell me her position.

“Soon. Late. There isn’t a timetable. It’s when you’re ready.” Is she ready? Fuck, I don’t want her dating. I don’t want her thinking about dating, mainly because I don’t want her thinking about some other guy. I want her thinking about me.

This makes us friends.

I might be friend-zoned, but I’m in a lane.

And I’ll be damned if someone else thinks he’s going to pass me.

+ + +

When the song ended, Anna said she’d like to leave and our party of eight agreed to go. Of course, everyone pairs off again as Logan and Zack each go home with their girls and Archer and Jenna head up to the apartment above the garage.

Leaving Anna and me to enter her home in silence. I follow her into the kitchen where a single light over the island illuminates the space. Reaching a boiling point, I can hardly contain myself when I say, “How long are we going to pretend, Anna?”

My voice carries and I have no idea if Bryce or Calvin are home while Mila is babysitting in Archer’s apartment.

Anna freezes on the other side of the island. “Pretend what?” she asks, innocent and ignorant, as if she doesn’t feel the attraction. The tremble in her voice gives her away.

I step up to the countertop and place my hands on it, stretching my arms to brace me upward. Hanging my head, I take a deep breath, attempting to control the disappointment before I share a difficult piece of me.

“I walked in on my father dick deep in his assistant when I was twenty-five.”

Anna’s breath catches but she has the grace not to interrupt me with sympathy.

“I thought he was the world. Despite his harsh words. Despite his hard lessons.” I lift my head and glare at her, highlighted by the glow of the low lighting. “After that moment, something in me shattered. My parents never got along. I didn’t understand their relationship. For the sake of the child.” I mock, knowing my parents married because of me. It was one reason I didn’t marry Samantha. I didn’t want to put Lynlee in the same position I’d been in between my parents. Plus, I didn’t love Samantha, and she didn’t love me. I don’t know if my parents ever loved one another but my father proved he no longer cared about my mother or her feelings when he was fucking his assistant.

“At the time, my father told me I was like him.” I narrow my eyes and slap at my chest. “I wasn’t cut out for one woman in my life. Made from his mold, he told me. I’d never be happy settled down. Strapped with a kid.” I choke over the confession and the words that cut me in my twenties. “And I believed him. I pretended I didn’t see his indiscretion. Then my mother found out and fell apart.”

The growing lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow. The agony in Mom’s tears. The alcohol that took over her life.

“I was working in the family company. The business had been from her side. I was making strides. I had grandiose ideas that one day I’d take over for her. I should have quit. I should have returned to that dream that us guys discussed in college sooner, but I didn’t break free. I fell into his words like I did as a kid.”

Marcus Becker was a shit father. I’d learned from the best. Only I didn’t want to make some of his mistakes. And I’d eventually disagreed with him on one thing. I could settle for one woman, and it wouldn’t be settling. It would be more than I’d ever had in life, other than my friends, especially my friendship with Ben where I learned what a father should have looked like. How one should have acted.

“Mason.” My name is full of pity as Anna pauses, her eyes wide, confused even. “I’m so sorry.”

I’m certain she’s wondering where all is this is going but I have a point.

“I fucked up in my thirties, Anna. I get it. Know it. Own it. But it doesn’t mean I never wanted what all of you had.” Still staring at her, I focus on her eyes, willing her to understand. “But I did learn a life lesson from dear old Dad when I was a teen. Dropped off in this sleepy lakeside town and expected to work landscaping when I’d hardly ever held scissors, for fuck’s sake.”

I don’t break eye contact. “I learned I can’t always get what I want.” The wife. The kids. The happily-fucking-after.

Because I didn’t get her, and I don’t think I ever will.