Page 81 of Letting Go at 40

Suddenly, I’m tugging my hands free of my hair, wanting to rip it from the roots.

Because I do not want to fuck Anna. I want to love her.

“I’ve tried everything I can to not think about her.” I peer down the hallway, dark in the early hours of morning. “And it’s never worked. Not another woman. Not too much booze. Not living away from here. Hell, not even having her under my feet, thinking I’d get sick of her.”

“What are you doing then?”

“Nothing happened.” I sigh, swallowing back the truth. “Nothing’s happening.”

Bitterness fills me again. I sound like Anna, denying that kiss yesterday afternoon to Autumn.

Where are Anna and I going? What are we doing?

“What will you do?” Jenna asks, concern in her voice. “Admit your feelings to her or keep fighting them?”

“Maybe that’s a question for Anna.” My response is sharp and unwarranted. But she’s right. Am I going to admit how I feel or continue to fight my feelings? I don’t have an answer for Jenna, so I shrug and turn away from Jenna, heading toward the front hall and the staircase leading to my guest room.

Every slap of my bare feet on the hardwood punctuates how I no longer want to be Anna’s guest but a permanent addition to her life.

Chapter 30

9 Months Ago

December

The Morning After Miscommunication

[Anna]

Mason returned to my room after slipping out in the early hours of the morning. His entrance was more like a rush of energy than a subtle sneak.

I slowly sit up as he stands at the end of the bed, hands slipped into coat pockets. He’s fully dressed in jeans, boots and a winter jacket. A bag hangs over his shoulder.

“I’ve got to go.” He doesn’t meet my concerned stare. His hair stands on end as if he’s run his fingers through it repeatedly. “I got a call from Lynlee.”

“Is everything alright?” Something is clearly wrong. Very, very wrong.

When he finally looks up at me, his eyes are haunted. His shoulders tense. I scramble from the covers and crawl across the mattress on my knees. Only when I reach for him, he steps back. I clutch the footboard, arms trembling from the sudden rejection.

“I’m not certain.” His brows pinch as he returns his gaze to the floor avoiding meeting my eyes. “But I’m going to be gone a few days.”

With that, he steps forward, air kisses my cheek and turns toward the door. He pauses before opening it, glancing back over his shoulder.

Nausea rushes in my belly. He’s pulling away from me, shutting me out or maybe he’s simply skipping out. Is this how it works? Was he counting the minutes until he could climb out of my bed? Was he holding out until the last second to leave?

“You’re scaring me.”

“You should know Jenna knows I was in here last night.” He doesn’t look for my reaction, but he pauses waiting on the denial that doesn’t come. Our friends are going to find out, unless he doesn’t want them to know.

Yesterday, I panicked.

Today, he’s doing more than panicking. He’s coldly walking away.

+ + +

Over the next three days, there have been intermittent messages stating how he can’t explain everything over text, and he isn’t in a position to talk. The not knowing is driving me mad.

Our family of friends is still gathered to celebrate River and Zack’s baby, Lake, and now Archer has proposed to Jenna. I’m happy for my brother. So happy. But I can’t help this niggling of sadness deep in my belly. I’m a lonely party of one in a gathering of love birds.