Page 45 of Elf-ish

“I want to—”

“But.” I can almost see the word between us, like an iron security gate lowered for protection. Is he protecting his heart? Or mine?

Unrequited desire is the worst. The naughty person list should have a column for it.

But. One simple statement that says so much.

Without another word, I turn for the bathroom, blinking back the sudden sting in my eyes.

I don’t know what I was thinking, anyway. I can’t get involved with Jude. One night would wreck me. I should be grateful he doesn’t want me, which is all kinds of wrong to consider.

When I come out of the bathroom, I slip my dress onto a hanger and hang it back in the closet while Jude sneaks into the bathroom. I help myself to the bed and lie back, staring up at the ceiling. Despite feeling tipsy earlier, I’m suddenly stone sober and wide awake . . . with disappointment.

When Jude returns to the bedroom, he stares down at the floor where he slept last night. His pile of folded blankets and a pillow are still on the boudoir chair.

His hand squeezes at his lower back. Whether he’s done that for affect or absentmindedly, I don’t know, but I sigh heavily.

“When my mother was young . . . too young. She was involved with a married man. He was almost twenty-five years older than her. And he got her pregnant.”

I prop up on my elbows to get a better look at Jude, who continues to stare at the floor.

“My dad . . . Tucker . . . the former rock star . . . wasn’t the father. His father was the man who went after my mom.” He finally glances at me, but I’m confused as I process the relationship.

“Tucker was asked by his grandfather, my great-grandfather, to marry my mom, because she was the daughter of a prominent business associate of Ashford’s.”

Jude is quiet for another second. “If it appears like I pissed a circle around you, as you so eloquently put it, it’s because Walt’s behavior reminds me of what my father, the sperm donor, did. How I was conceived.”

He swallows thickly. Despite his eyes toward me, he doesn’t see me. He’s lost in his head. Everything in me wants to give that lost boy inside him a huge hug, but I don’t move.

Instead, I speak. “I appreciate you looking out for me, but trust me, I’m not interested in married men or older men or men like Walt.”

“I’m not certain my mom was interested either.”

The quiet admission is a blow to my belly, and I swallow thickly. “I’m so sorry, Jude.” What more can I say? There’s no excuse for his biological father’s behavior or the sadness in Jude’s eyes.

“I appreciate you sharing this with me.” His honesty is raw, and his voice rough. Like he might not tell many people his secrets.

“For the longest time, I blamed my dad . . . Tucker . . . for my mother being miserable. For her having the affair she later had. But then I learned the truth and I was so . . . angry.”

I hear it in his voice, even now.

“I’m not a good guy, Angelica. Not a great man, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” I state, licking my lips, feeling his rejection once again. He’s wrong about himself. He’s nothing like the man who impregnated his mom.

“I’ve been born and bred by selfish men.” His eyes narrow, and he looks away from me. “Well, Tucker didn’t turn out to be selfish, but that’s another story.”

One I’m certain Jude doesn’t want to share tonight as he bends with the intention of lowering to the floor.

“Just sleep in the bed.” I can keep my hands to myself as he’s certainly going to keep his hands to himself.

Jude halts his movements in that bent-over position and stares at me. Those cold eyes melt a little. The urge to hug him returns, but I recall how stiff Jude was when Sabrina hugged him. Maybe he doesn’t like hugs. Or maybe . . . he isn’t used to them.

Either way, we don’t need to touch. I grab one of the pillows from the pile next to mine and set it between me and the opposite side of the bed.

“Pillow wall. Nothing passes,” I state, like when my younger sister and I shared a bed.

Jude hesitates a second as he stands to his full height. His eyes are suddenly wild, like when Sabrina gave him that awkward hug in the hospital, and he didn’t know how to respond.