Page 99 of Elf-ish

“How was your night?” Jude asks, once we squeeze through another crowded bar and find a single stool near the bar.

Jude suggests I sit while he leans against the counter, similar to our position during his holiday party. Nearly three weeks ago, yet it feels like forever has passed.

“Strange,” I admit, picking up the Fireball Surprise he ordered me after learning about the round of shots and the disappointing cranberry vodka.

The drink has a little kick to it, but it feels good going down. The hint of cinnamon fits the season, not to mention I feel a little spicy tonight.

“How so?” He tilts his head. He’s so good looking, and green is a good color on him.

“I really wanted the girls’ night.” I need someone to talk to about my feelings, which are pinging all over the place when it comes to Jude. “But somehow we got on the topic of ex-es and—”

“You have an ex?” Jude stands a little taller. His eyes focus on my face before dropping to my hand for some reason.

“Not an ex, like I’ve been married. More like an ex, because I was supposed to get married, and then it didn’t happen.”

Jude continues to stare at me, waiting out a story that’s a decade old and one I don’t like to discuss. But I think about how far Jude has come, opening up about himself. Tonight, he looked especially vulnerable as he apologized to Eva in front of an entire group. Eva was gracious, letting Jude off the hook rather easily. The relief in Jude’s face had been instant.

“The long short story is I was engaged. But I shouldn’t have been engaged. We’d been together for almost ten years. Lived together for a while. Talked about purchasing a house one day. And having kids.” Lots of kids.

“We got engaged, thinking it was what we should do to get us out of a rut. Unfortunately, as much as we’d talked about that house and those kids, we couldn’t see it happening between us.” We, with an emphasis more on he.

I sit up, inhaling deeply, and reach for my drink to take another sip.

Jude watches me intently. He leans against the bar top again.

“We both thought being engaged would bring us closer, but it didn’t.”

Still holding my glass, I stare down at the amber liquid. “Between my parents’ death and the separation from Ian, I have an irrational fear about people leaving me.”

I say irrational, because my parents died, and Ian and I fell out of love. Still, I don’t like feeling like I’ve been left behind.

Don’t you leave me, Jude. My request hadn’t fallen into the same category as losing my parents or breaking things off with Ian, but somehow that declaration has grown into something.

I don’t want to lose him next.

“Eventually, I learned he slept with someone during our decade-long romance. I forgave him, because we were over.” The betrayal still stung, though.

Jude watches me when he says, “You’re a bigger person than I would have been. I can’t stand infidelity, and I would have burned his house down.”

I chuckle at the thought. Since I’m in the fire department, I know guys who would have willingly set Ian’s place on fire. The house he eventually bought without me.

“He’s married now. She was a single mom with two kids.” I sigh, recalling the first time I saw him after hearing the news. He looked happier than I’d seen him in years, but he said the same about me. We’d been holding each other back, and I never wanted to be in that kind of relationship again.

Jude’s brows pinch. “Why are you so good?”

“Because I’ve accepted that life is short. It can be taken from you in an instant, and I don’t want to spend my time dwelling on things that didn’t happen, or can’t happen, or did happen. I don’t want to let regret rule my life.” And turn me into Aunt Gertie.

Jude sips the straight whiskey he ordered, taking a moment to question my thought process, probably.

“For so long, I’ve let bitterness pin me down,” he admits, staring down at the glass he set back on the counter. Then he looks up at me. “But now I want to be free from that bite.”

He snaps his jaw to emphasize his point.

I chuckle at the antics. “You’re getting there, Jude.”

“Am I?”

“How do you feel after apologizing to Eva?” I lift my glass again. The Fireball ingredient is slowly taking effect, warming my throat and making my insides feel gooey.