Page 134 of Sterling Stone

Waiting. I’d been waiting for what?

Stone slips into place again.

He made decisions in the past that shouldn’t be held against him in the present. He’s mournful, ashamed, guilt-ridden. I heard it all in his voice.

He’s there, and I’m here, because I left him behind. I always leave first and look where I am.

The loneliness hits deep as I curl to my side and stare at the front seat of my van. In my forties, I’m still living like a vagabond. Here. There. Nowhere. When there are people in Sterling Falls who want me to stay.

Trudy. Simon.

When I think of the boy, everything in me seizes up. I never want him to feel unwanted, abandoned, left behind.

Let me show you who I am.

Fuck. I haven’t done a good job. Not by any of them, including Stone. And that stops now, here.

Okay, tomorrow.

Because maybe Trudy is right. Here she is, and here Simon is, and they need each other.

Simon, who doesn’t need just a house, but a home and love, and I want the same things.

And Stone is here, and I am here, and I need him, too. He can provide that home, that love, I desire.

And yet I walked away tonight.

Home isn’t a location, Trudy once told us. It’s a safe space. There’s a difference.

Trudy has been that safe space for so many of us.

Stone feels like a safe space, too.

With that on my mind, I toss and turn until my brain seems to think it can’t think any more. I close my eyes for a little while, which feels like no more than a few minutes, before Jolene is rapping on the back window of Gloria.

“What the fuck?” I mutter, sitting up, feeling my back pinch as I brush my hair out of my face.

Jolene is yelling at me through the glass, and I can’t exactly make out what she’s saying, so I scramble to the sliding door and flip the latch.

Jolene rounds to the side of the van.

“What did you⁠—”

“Is Simon out here?” she questions, sticking her head into the van and forcing me back so she can scan up, down, and around like a ten-year-old boy won’t be blatantly visible in the small vehicle.

“Simon?” I parrot. “Shouldn’t he be getting ready for school?” A quick glance at my phone says it’s seven-o-eight.

I’ll need to drive him to school in about fifteen minutes and then I’m headed back to Stone. We need to talk more. He needs to know I’m not leaving.

“That’s just it,” Jolene says, her eyes wide, her cheeks sallow. “Simon isn’t in the house.”

“What do you mean?” I push past her, finding my legs shaky from lack of sleep, but also creaking because of my curled-up position.

I’m wearing a shirt I stole from Stone and a pair of his socks, which are oversized on me.

“Simon,” I call out, rushing into the house, repeating his name like my sister simply missed seeing him.

He’s in the bathroom. Or the kitchen. Or even Trudy’s room.