Page 92 of Promise

A deck had always been in the plans for this space, and now I want it more than ever. A space where we can sit and watch Mirabelle run around the yard, chasing fireflies. A place for Trin and me to share a quiet moment under the stars.

Still, I scoff. “Yeah. Well, besides us, I think I’m still in a bit of a midlife crisis. The only thing I know for certain is I want to be here. With you. With Mirabelle.”

Trinity watches me, the weight of her stare on the side of my face for a second, before I finally look at her.

“Will you take Clint up on his offer? Go back to work at Haven Exteriors?”

I sigh and glance back at my lemonade. “Trin, I don’t know if you can understand this, but I don’t want a job. I want something with meaning. For me.”

“And construction didn’t do that?” she questions.

“Don’t get me wrong. I loved working with my hands. The crew was amazing. Clint and Cort are great bosses.” I’m hoping she hears what I’m afraid to put into words. “But I was just part of the crew.”

She stares at me.

“Not all of us are fortunate enough to know what we want to do with our lives from such a young age.”

“Like me?” she clarifies.

“Like you.”

Trin had an experience in high school. A friend who had a miscarriage at the young age of seventeen. It happened in the girls’ bathroom, and Trin panicked. She never wanted to feel so helpless for either mom or baby again. She always knew her path in life. Her career path. She became a nurse.

“I was always a little jealous of you.”

“Me?” she says, aghast.

“You always knew what you wanted to be. And you were so smart, so driven, dedicated to that purpose. You had a true calling.” I pause and glance at the yard again.

Even with Mirabelle, Trinity has a role, but I don’t. Not officially.

“I wasn’t so fortunate,” I say. “I’d been floating through life until you entered it.”

I glance at her, and she blinks, startled by the truth. She became my purpose. Making her happy. Being with her. But happiness can’t only be wrapped up in another person.

“Did racing do that for you? Give you purpose?”

The corner of my lip ticks. “In a sense.” But not completely. “I think I was chasing something, Trin. Looking for control over the uncontrollable.”

Us.

“I don’t think I ever thought it would be more than a way to let off steam, but then I met Max.” I wave a hand near my ear. “And he got in my head.”

Could I really do this at forty-one? Start a new career? One that took physical strength and mental awareness?

“There had been guys who raced their entire lives, but Max saw something in me.” Not much different than Trinity’s dad.

“I felt alive when I raced.” I didn’t feel like such a loser. I squint toward the yard again. “But I never wanted to do it alone, Trin. I wanted you there beside me, which made me selfish. In hindsight, I see that more clearly. I asked you to move to give us a fresh start, but that start would have only been about me.”

A new career. A new direction.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” she says.

“And I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.”

We sit in the quiet that follows, the summer breeze blowing around us. So many apologies lately.

“Speaking of work,” she says again, and sighs, slapping her hands on her thighs. She’s wearing jean shorts and a T-shirt. “I go back next week.”