Page 59 of Of Magic and Murder

Instead, he kept something huge from me. Something about me.

“You should’ve told me!”

“I know.”

“You let me talk about your mate. Do you know how jealous of her I was? Jealous of myself? We were getting so close, and then you let me think there was another woman⁠—”

“Because I was afraid.” Riordan scrubs a hand down his face. “It’s the truth, Penelope. I was fucking afraid. You’re right. We were getting so close, and there were times I thought: maybe. Maybe I could show you that not all wolves are feral monsters. That you might get over your fear in time… that you might trust me. But the longer we’ve been together, the more terrified I’ve become that this is it. This is the most of you I’ll ever have. I’m a selfish bastard. If this was all the time I got with you, I was going to take it because if you knew you were my mate… if you rejected me… that was it. We’d be over before we began. If being your friend was all I could have, I was going to take it gladly. But what if…”

There’s no confidence in his expression now. No teasing almost-smile. For the first time since he came back to Moonburrow, Riordan looks as scared as he admitted he was.

“What if what?”

“What if I told you and then you’d look at me and see that wolf again? The one who tried to take your choice away?” He swallows. “I did that to you once, Pen. I gave you an order without thinking, and your body obeyed me. Then I’m supposed to tell you that you’re my fated mate and the only way to break that same curse is for you to choose me?”

“You should’ve trusted me to decide what that meant,” I say softly.

“I know,” he repeats.

“Do you? Do you realize what you’ve done? You took the choice away from me anyway.”

He flinches.

I wish he didn’t because now I feel guilty, and I’m the one who’s angry, though I have every right to be.

“I know,” he says again. “I handled it wrong. I knew I was handling it wrong, but every time I thought about telling you, I remembered what you looked like in that cell.”

I look away.

“I wanted you to choose to be around me without knowing what Fate decided. I wanted you to trust me because I earned it. To love me because it’s just that easy. And if you never wanted anything more than that, I would’ve lived with it.”

“Even if it meant staying cursed.”

“I’ve never wanted to find my mate because I gave a shit about the curse. I just wanted to find her… to find you… because a fated mate is the only way to make a shifter whole.” He reaches a hand out for me, but before he can actually touch me, he fists it, pulling back. “Please don’t think I lied because I didn’t want you, Pen.” His voice drops. “I didn’t tell you because I wanted you too much. You. My sweet witch.”

The sad thing is, somewhere along the way, I discovered I wanted him, too.

But now?

I slowly back away from Riordan. From the cruiser. From the weight of his expectations…

“Penelope?”

“I… I need to go. I need to think.”

I need to be anywhere else but where he is…

I can tell that Riordan wants to refuse to let me, but if he does, it’ll just be a self-fulfilling prophecy after all. He’ll push me even further away, and since that’s the last thing he wants to do, when he says, “I’ll drive you,” and I shake my head, he accepts that.

At least, I think he does. I don’t know.

I dash out of the woods, and though I don’t look behind me, one thing is clear: he doesn’t follow after me.

And I wish that didn’t make my heart ache any more than it already does.

With my rental car parked on the street outside of Dough You Believe in Magic, I have to walk the couple of miles across town to get home.

It’s not too bad. Once you get off of the wooded territory that is pack land, it’s a straight shot down mostly cross streets and a few blocks. I keep my head down, trying not to attract the attention of the passersby out for an evening stroll, hoping like hell that Riordan doesn’t suddenly appear and decide to continue our conversation.