Page 101 of Holding Ground

Baylor spent the entirety of Wednesday begging me to let Kate come to dinner, so that’s what happens.

I could have suggested a restaurant, but the idea of everyone in town being spectators at our meal didn’t sit well with me. So here we are, sitting across the table from each other, finishing a meal, the way we might have in a different reality where Kate didn’t abandon her infant.

The entire time the three of us sit there, I can’t shake the feeling of wrongness. That this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. That the wrong woman is sitting across from me.

I keep looking toward the refrigerator and the drawing that Baylor did of herself, Emelia, and me. It’s like a beacon in the night, stealing my attention.

“Sometimes Uncle Ansel lets me slide down the pole when he takes me to the fire station,” Baylor tells Kate.

“He what?” I set my fork down beside my plate.

Baylor’s eyes snap over to me, wide. “Oops. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”

“Ansel and I will be having a little chat,” I mutter.

Kate laughs. “I see Ansel hasn’t changed much.”

She’s been a little more comfortable than she was the other night. Maybe that’s what’s bothering me so much—how easily she’s slipping back into play-acting her former role.

“Ansel will never change.” I reach for my glass of water and take a sip.

“And last time I went to the park with my friend Gabrielle, I tried the monkey bars. That was the first time, because I was always scared before.” Baylor watches Kate, waiting for her approval.

Baylor has come more out of her shell with Kate during this visit too. She’s been telling story after story, fact after fact, in an effort to impress her mother. I worry it’s because she thinks she has to earn Kate’s love or make her stick around this time.

“Is Gabrielle your best friend?” Kate asks, moving her food around her plate, having barely eaten anything.

Baylor nods. “She’s really funny and nice, and we like the same things. And her mom does her hair so nicely every day for school.” She looks at me and winces at what she’s about to say. “Daddy can do some stuff with my hair, but not the really fancy stuff. So usually, Emelia will do it for me if I ask.”

Kate looks at me with a knowing expression. “That’s really nice of her.”

Baylor nods and says uh-huh around a mouthful of pasta.

We finish dinner, and I tell the two of them that I’m going to clean up the kitchen if they want to spend some time together before Kate has to go.

Once I’m alone, I set my hands on either side of the sink and let my head drop for a minute. So much has changed in the past few months. I’ve long been a guy who values stability and security, and it feels as though almost every single aspect of my life has been upended. And yet, in some ways, I might be happier than I’ve ever been.

I raise my head and look out at the light on inside the bunkie across the yard.

I’ve got a lot going on with this Kate situation, but regardless, with every day that ticks by, I’m more and more aware of Emelia’s imminent departure. More aware, yet less accepting.

Then I look at the picture on the fridge, the picture of the three of us again.

It looks so right, so perfect.

My chest tightens at the realization that I want that. I want it to be the three of us.

I want Emelia to be the one sitting across from me at the kitchen table.

I want Emelia to be the one playing with Baylor in her bedroom.

I want Emelia to stay in my life.

But…

I scrub a hand over my face. We had an agreement. And telling her how I feel would break that agreement. Plus, I have no idea if she feels the same way.

The idea of telling her and facing her rejection, of her being yet another person in my life who leaves me…I don’t know if I can do it.