Page 104 of Holding Ground

“It is. At least at this point. We’ll see how it pans out.”

I nod, feeling awkward having this conversation when I know there are so many bigger things I need to tell him. The words are right there, pressing against my lips, waiting to come out. But I can’t say them. I don’t know why. Maybe I just want to enjoy this for a few more minutes before I ruin it and he never looks at me the same way again. I’m not looking forward to seeing the contempt and resentment return to his eyes when he regards me.

I take another long drink from my wine.

“Emelia, I can tell you feel uncomfortable, and I think I might know what’s going on.”

“You do?” The words practically emerge as a squeak.

He nods, reaching to take my hand.

My eyes widen.

“I know I’ve been a little…preoccupied lately with everything going on. I apologize.”

“Elliott, you don’t have anything to apologize for. In fact, I⁠—”

He raises his hand, and I stop speaking. “Please, just let me get this out while I can, okay? Then you can say whatever you need to.”

I open my mouth to tell him what I have to, then close it, nodding.

He squeezes my hand. “I know I’m changing course here. I know we said we wouldn’t worry about what this is between us until we absolutely had to, but it’s bearing down on us, and I don’t need to wait to know what I want.” He blows out a breath. “I want you to stay. And yes, I know how unfair it is for me to ask you this. You have a great job in Boston, a budding career. There’s nothing here for you except Baylor and me. If I could pick up and move to be with you, I would, but that’s not the reality of my situation. Baylor’s family is here, and I need her to be surrounded with loved ones because I’m all she’s got. But know that if it was just me, I’d move to be with you, Emelia. I would. I guess what I’m saying is that I love you. I love you, and I want you to stay and build a life here with me and see what this could be.”

I don’t know what I expected him to say, but it was not that.

My mouth drops open, and I stare at him, wide-eyed, completely wrecked. Because I love him too. I love him and Baylor, but if he knew…if he knew…

“Elliott, you don’t want to be with me.”

“Were you listening to anything I just said? I love you, Em. I want to see if we can make a go at it for real.”

Unshed tears burn my eyes, and I blink them back.

He wouldn’t feel this way if he knew what I know. And I’m not sure he’ll believe me when I tell him I had no idea what the company I work for was really planning.

And what about the residents of Echo Lake? Would they? And if they didn’t, how would Elliott feel, being in a relationship with the woman they think tried to help bring down this town? He takes pride in his community and feels protective of it. It’s at the core of who he is. Could he really be with the woman who effectively wears a scarlet letter everywhere she goes?

“Elliott, I don’t know what to say.” Tears build in my eyes because the last thing I want to do is hurt this man, but I know that’s what I’m about to do.

He must see something on my face, because he lets go of my hand, and his lips press together.

I don’t want to give him false hope by telling him that I feel the same way, because he only feels that way because he doesn’t have all the information. My head is swimming, and I don’t know what to say. Maybe in the back of my mind, I’ve just been waiting for the thing that would prove to me I don’t fit here, and this whole situation with my work is it.

“I’m sorry, I can’t…”

No more words come, and panic wells up inside me. So instead of saying anything, I revert to my old pattern, and I run. I grab my purse and bolt from the pub. I’m used to making a run for it when that itchy, panicked feeling of not belonging becomes too much, but I’m usually moving to a different state for a new job, not running away from the man I love.

I push through how wrong it feels to get farther from him with every footstep. Running has never felt this bad before.

But it’s all too much right now. I can’t think straight.

I rush back to Elliott’s house and quickly pack up some things before he returns with Baylor. Then I start the drive back to Boston.

This may be the first place I ever really felt like I fit, but that’s over now. It’s broken, and I need to figure out how to fix it. And I know this is something I have to do by myself, for myself.

Because as much as I want to be Elliott’s, to be Baylor’s, I need to know I earned my spot there first. And if I don’t, I’ll never feel like that’s where I fit.

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