Page 48 of Holding Ground

As it is, it’s all I can do not to shift uncomfortably and act as if their words don’t strike a chord in me.

“She’s leaving.” There. That should be the end of this conversation.

We’ve all been here. A woman comes into town for the summer or on vacation. A fling here or there, then they’re gone. When I say “we,” I mean more Ansel and Hollis—I’ve had a daughter to care for. But all the locals have their summer flings.

“That’s what you’re stuck on?” Ansel nods slowly, as though now this is making sense.

“Yes, because it’s the relevant part.”

“It’s the convenient part.” His voice drops. “It lets you off the hook. Because if she’s leaving, then nothing you feel about her matters. You don’t have to face it, see what it could be. As long as you tell yourself it’s temporary, you don’t have to deal with your feelings. You can just push them off, not act on it, wait for her to leave, and then tell yourself you were right, rather than putting yourself out there and fighting for it…seeing what it could be.”

“That’s not⁠—”

“It is, though.” Ansel waits for me to argue with him while Hollis studies me with his steady gaze.

I blow out a breath and rake my hand through my hair.

I don’t know exactly what I am with Emelia, but I’m in something with her. My mind wanders to her when I’m supposed to be doing something else. I’m physically drawn to her in a way I’ve never been with anyone before. And she’s the only person I’ve really opened up to in years.

“Baylor’s already invested,” Hollis chimes in.

If it wasn’t obvious before, it is now. When my daughter looked at Emelia with such innocence and asked her to put her back to bed, it was like a dream come true and a nightmare all at once. It’s no secret that Baylor worships the ground Emelia walks on, but I was hoping it was more in a big sister way than a maternal one.

“If I try to start something up with Emelia and it doesn’t work out, Baylor will be heartbroken, and it’ll be my fault for letting it get so far.”

“Or…” I cut Ansel a look, but he just presses on. “Or…you’re a single dad who’s spent the past five years alone, and you’ve actually stumbled on someone you’re into, so instead of pulling away from that feeling, you allow yourself to sink into it. Not just for yourself, but for your daughter. Maybe the version you’ve created in your head, where you ignore this thing between you and Emelia to protect Baylor, is just an excuse to protect yourself.”

“What are you, firefighter turned therapist?” I look at Hollis, who nods as though Ansel is right. I rub my hand over my face. “That’s a hell of a thing to say.”

“You’re using Baylor as a shield.” Hollis’s quiet voice comes out of the darkness. “You’ve been doing so for a long time. Not just with Emelia, but with everyone. Baylor is the reason you can’t come out, she’s the reason you can’t have a guys’ weekend, she’s the reason you can’t get into a relationship, she’s the reason you don’t want anything about this town to change. She’s an amazing kid, and you’re an equally amazing father to her, but she’s also the wall you hide behind.”

“That’s not fair.”

“It’s not unfair either.” He holds my gaze and tosses his cigarette into the fire. “I’m not saying some of what you’re saying isn’t valid, but doing right by your daughter isn’t the reason you’ve structured your life the way you have. It’s not from love for your daughter, it’s from fear. And I think Emelia is the first person in five years who makes you want to push past that fear, and that makes it even scarier. Because if you do, you might just prove that everything you’ve ever told yourself is wrong.”

My chest tightens, and I swallow the dryness in my throat.

Fucking Hollis. He always somehow manages to cut to the heart of whatever it is.

I think of all the times in my life that I’ve been left—our mother, our father, Kate. Then I think of the pain and devastation that came along with their absences, though the circumstances were all different. Yeah, I don’t want to experience any of those feelings again. Who the hell would?

Then I consider how lonely I’ve been and how I didn’t even realize how much that loneliness coated me like paint until Emelia arrived in town. She makes me want to explore things I haven’t dared to since Kate left Baylor and me.

Yes, I owe it to my daughter to protect her, but leaning into this thing with Emelia…it’s starting to feel inevitable. Maybe it can be something, maybe it can’t. I don’t know.

The tightness in my chest increases. There’s that fear my brother is talking about.

I look across the fire at Hollis. “That was a lot.”

Hollis nods, studying me. “It was.”

I stare into the flames for a couple of minutes, and no one says a thing. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“Just see what happens. Don’t act like you know the ending of the story before you’ve even turned the page on the first chapter.” Hollis holds my gaze.

Now I’m the one nodding. “I can try.”

“See? That’s why Hols is on the cleanup crew.” Ansel chuckles and finishes off his beer.