Page 68 of Holding Ground

I swallow past the growing lump in my throat. “When the doctor called to tell me about the blood test, one of the things she asked was about my maternal line and whether there were any autoimmune diseases on that side. Obviously, I didn’t know the answer to the question, and I’ve been bothered by it.”

At the mention of my biological mother, my parents look at one another before looking back at me.

“And not just because I’m missing a valuable part of my health history, but because…because I don’t know where I come from.” Tears form in my eyes, and I try to blink them away, but the next time I blink, one slips down my cheek. “I love you both so much, and I had a wonderful upbringing. It has nothing to do with that. But there are times when I just don’t feel like I fit. And it’s not because of anything anyone has ever said or done. I’ve just always been aware that my situation is different from Josh’s or Peyton’s, and I know you love us all the same. I do, I swear…it’s just that the older I get, the more difficult it’s become, knowing nothing about the woman who gave birth to me.”

I’m met with silence, and my mom reaches for my dad’s hand. More tears rush down my cheeks, and I wipe them away quickly, trying to suck them back.

“Em, honey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” My dad looks as though he wants to reach through the screen and wrap me in one of his bear hugs.

“You were the best mom…and I’ve tried to get over this feeling. But when the doctor brought up Tanya’s side, I don’t know, it made it obvious to me that I had to try to find out more. So I went on social media, and I found someone who’s related to her. I haven’t spoken to her yet, though, because I wanted to talk to you guys first.”

From their shocked expressions, they’re surprised I’ve already tried to find out more.

“Emelia, you don’t need our permission.” My mom’s voice is soft and soothing. It reminds me of when I’d butt heads with my dad about something in high school—usually boy-related—and she’d try to make peace between us.

“I know, but I can’t move forward with it unless I know you guys are okay with it.” I sniffle.

“Of course we’re okay with it. Right, Jed?” My mom looks at my dad, who nods.

“If this is something you need for yourself, then do it. And we’ll be there to support you in any way we can,” he says.

“A hundred percent,” my mom adds, her understanding smile warm. I really wish I were with them right now, to feel their arms around me.

My dad frowns. “I’m sorry we didn’t talk about her, sweetheart. The truth is, I didn’t really know her, so I didn’t have anything I could say.”

I nod. “I know.”

“But we should have made sure you understood that door was open. I think we thought that bringing it up would upset you. We didn’t realize that our actions had the reverse effect,” Dad continues.

My mom’s eyes fill with tears.

“Mom, please don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying because you want to find out more information about Tanya’s side, because of course you do. I’m upset because we should have known, or at the very least, asked you. Yes, we thought it was best, and maybe in some ways it was what you wanted too, but you were a child. Of course you were scared to say anything to us.”

My dad’s shoulders slump. “We should have approached you about your mother once you were older. Even if we didn’t know much about her, we should’ve initiated the conversation so you’d know you could talk to us about it if you wanted to.”

My chest squeezes. This is exactly what I was afraid of. “The reason I didn’t say anything isn’t because I felt like I couldn’t. It’s because I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want you guys to blame yourselves. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did everything right. I had a wonderful life, a loving family growing up, because of you both. Please don’t feel bad. That’ll just make me feel worse.”

My mom gathers herself as she always does.

“So you guys aren’t upset with me for wanting to know more about Tanya?” I hold my breath while I wait for their answer.

“Of course not,” my dad says.

“Mom?”

She shakes her head, lips pressed together as though she’s trying to stop herself from crying. “No, honey, not at all. We fully support you in this, and we know you love us. Just like you know we love you, right?”

I nod, holding back my tears.

There’s a brief, awkward pause, then my dad asks, “So who is this woman you’ve found who knew Tanya?”

“Apparently, she would be a cousin to Tanya, but I don’t know any more than that at this point. Like I said, I wanted to talk to you guys first before I dug any further.” I debate what to say next, then force myself to speak the words. If we’re going to be open about this topic, then I need to honor that. “The woman who put me in touch with this person went to high school with Tanya. She…she sent me some pictures of Tanya back in high school.”

“Oh.” My mom presses her hand to her chest. “That must be emotional, looking at those. How are you feeling?”

In that moment, I know that whatever transpires with my search for information will be fine. My mom won’t hold it against me. In fact, she’ll be rooting me on and supporting me the whole way.