Page 70 of Holding Ground

I pick her up and rub her back up and down, up and down, while she cries. “It’s okay, kiddo. It’s okay.”

I don’t know what happened or what’s wrong. I have no idea what might have upset her this much, but I hate seeing her cry.

She cries for another minute, then murmurs something into the side of my neck that I can’t make out.

“What happened today?”

Baylor pulls back to look at me. Her big blue eyes still swim with tears, and it feels like a kick in the gut.

“Did something happen at school?”

She nods, sniffling.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

She nods again.

It’s the longest minute of my life before she talks.

“My friends at school were asking me why I don’t have a mommy and where my mommy is.”

I swear my knees almost give out.

“I told them that she had to leave, and they didn’t believe me. They said that mommies don’t leave their kids.” Her bottom lip quivers. “Why did Mommy leave me?”

I never cried when my father went to prison, and I never cried when Kate left. But I swear to god, I could burst into tears, because there’s nothing I can do or say that’ll make this okay for my little girl.

I cup her cheek. “The most important thing for you to know is that it’s not because of you or anything you did. Your mom just couldn’t be a good mommy to you, so she felt she should leave.”

She looks at my face, turning the words over, but she can’t understand the complexity of the situation. “Did she love me?”

My heart cracks in two. “Very much.”

And I believe that Kate did love her. I hate Kate for walking out on our daughter, but sometimes I think she might have done it because she loved Baylor and knew she couldn’t be what Baylor needed. That maybe she understood she’d never really be happy, she’d always be searching for more, and that perhaps it was better to cut the cord when Baylor was young, rather than wait until she was older and they had an established relationship.

“I know I can’t be your mommy, kiddo, but I want you to know that you’ll always have me. No matter what, that will never change, okay?”

She nods.

Up until this point, I’ve barely talked to Baylor about her mom. In fact, I’ve never even shown her a picture of Kate, or shown Baylor any of the pictures of her with her mom during the first six months of her life. I’ve always thought that was best. She’s so young. I didn’t want to confuse her.

But now I think of Emelia and how she felt growing up, knowing nothing about her mother. It makes me think that maybe in a few years, when Baylor is a little older and better able to understand and communicate her emotions, perhaps it would be a good idea to see if she wants to hear stories about Kate and see some pictures of her.

“I’m sorry your friends upset you. There are a lot of kids whose mommies couldn’t take care of them, Baylor. You’re not alone. We just live in a small town, so there aren’t any here. That’s all.”

She perks up a little, as though she thought she was the only little girl in the world growing up without a mommy. And from her perspective, I guess it would seem that way, especially now that she’s in school and sees all her friends’ moms pick them up every day.

Baylor wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes tightly. “I love you, Daddy. I don’t need a mommy ’cause I have you.”

Tears prick my eyes as I squeeze her back. “Love you too, kiddo.” I walk us back to the truck and set her in her booster seat. “Feel better?”

She nods and gives me a small smile.

“How about we go by Deacon’s and pick up a treat before we head home?”

“Yeah!” She kicks her feet with excitement as I refasten her seat belt.

Thank God, she’s smiling now, excited for the sugar rush.