Page 79 of Holding Ground

“When you say your mom was…”

Sadness slides over her face. “She died of an overdose five years ago.”

And here I am making her relive this. Good job, Emelia.

“I’m so sorry.” Now I feel bad for having made Liz unearth all of this.

“Thanks. To be honest, it wasn’t a shock to anyone who knew her. I tried to get her help many times, but it never took.”

“When I was given to my dad, he said that the lawyer told him that Tanya didn’t really have many other options, because of a bad family situation or something like that.”

Liz nods. “From what my mom said, their dad was an abusive man, and their mom drank a lot and cycled through men in an effort to replace their dad. But not all of her boyfriends were good guys, if you catch my drift.”

I frown. I didn’t know my bio mom, but the idea that she grew up in that kind of environment makes me sad, and thankful once again for the household I was raised in. “That had to be awful for them.”

“Yeah, I didn’t have the perfect childhood, but it wasn’t as bad as my mom’s, so that’s something.”

Liz speaks so matter-of-factly about her apparently traumatic upbringing. But I suppose she’s used to it. This isn’t new information to her. She grew up knowing all of this.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have any pictures of your mom, and I would have sent them if I did. The way my mom told it, she left home with just the clothes on her back the minute she graduated. That’s what the falling out between them was about. Tanya wanted my mom to take her with her, and she refused. There was a big blowup, and they never spoke again.”

“That’s really sad.”

I picture the teenager I saw in the pictures her classmate sent me, begging her big sister to take her out of a bad situation, and my chest squeezes. Though from what Liz has said her mom was like, maybe it’s better that Tanya was left behind. I guess I’ll never really know.

“Yeah. I think she regretted it, maybe. It was hard to tell because she didn’t like to talk about that time in her life. But the odd time she did, I could see that she wished things were different. I don’t know why she never tried to track Tanya down. Then again, my mom never could get out of her own way.” She shrugs.

“Do you have any siblings?”

Liz shakes her head. “No, just me. One surprise baby was enough for my mom. She got her tubes tied after I was born.”

I shift the conversation to the medical history of our maternal line. Liz doesn’t have much information, but she says that she knows her mom never had any issues with autoimmune diseases, so I guess that’s something.

“Can I ask, did you grow up in a happy household?” Liz asks as we’re getting ready to end the call.

I smile for the first time during this conversation. “I did. I was really lucky to land with my dad and mom.”

That seems to satisfy something in Liz, because she smiles. “I’m happy to know that.”

Another awkward silence descends. Now that we’ve covered all the basics, I’m not sure where to take the conversation.

Liz handles it for me. “Maybe we can keep up with each other a bit. We are cousins after all.”

“That sounds good.” I say the words with hope that we might have somewhat of a relationship, but I know better than anyone that what makes someone family isn’t blood. It’s a lifetime spent together, it’s love and support, and it’s the passage of time with a shared connection. None of which Liz and I have.

I wish her the best, but I’ve already built my family.

“I really appreciate you filling me in on what you know about Tanya. Thanks, Liz.”

“Anytime. Don’t be a stranger.”

We say our goodbyes, and we both hang up.

I sit quietly for a beat, taking in everything Liz told me, more thankful than ever to have my mom, my dad, and my siblings in my life. So I call my parents and fill them in on my conversation, then I text Trey to let him know it went well and that I’ll call him later this week to fill him in on all the details.

Even though I’ve never felt as though I really fit, I realize that maybe that was just the story I told myself. And so, I choose to believe otherwise.

Maybe I fit just fine.