Page 167 of Angel

‘Hey brother,’ Jude answered, his timbre steady over the line.

‘Yo man, got a mo?’

‘Always for you. How are you, mate?’

‘I’m OK.’

He must have picked up the despondent tone because he sighed.

‘How are you two doing?’

‘Not good, at least from my perspective,’ I grunted, rubbing my face.

‘Why? Last time we talked, things were improving.’

‘They did, but it’s like we’re now best friends and room mates, not husband and wife,’ I rasped. ‘We laugh, we share jokes, but it’s only me saying that I love her.’

I leaned back, staring at the water.

‘I understand why she’s got me on hold but it’s killing me not having my feelings reciprocated. Yeah, I know love’s unconditional, and I’m in this until death do us part. But man, I’m tired of trying to rekindle what we shared. I’m exhausted of feeling like I have a lot of love to give and fucked for wanting it to go somewhere.’

Jude stayed silent, letting me vent.

‘I’m frustrated by the expression she gives me when I try to love on her,’ I confessed. ‘She pulls away when I try to kiss her. I keep a smile on my face for her, but it’s proving too hard. I don’t know how much longer I can bear this rejection. Am I a fool for staying? Or am I just forcing a ghost of a marriage?’

‘She endured years for you, Angel,’ Jude countered in a blunt growl.

I grimaced.

‘Damn you for stating the obvious. So you’re saying I have to endure this for as long as it takes?’

‘Yes, my friend. That’s the consequence of not seeing the love in front of you until it was too late.’

‘You’re a massive bundle of help today,’ I muttered.

‘Anytime. Hang in there, brother. If it’s meant to be, it shall be.’

‘That’s just it, Jude,’ I whispered, my voice breaking as hopelessness hit hard. ‘I want it to be. I love Roxy so much, but I’m dying on the inside not knowing if she’ll ever feel the same back.’

I hung up the phone, set it on the bench beside me, and stretched out, my hands and arms resting on the back of the wooden garden seat.

I tipped my head back, gazing up at the sky as the sun’s fading rays warmed my face.

Despair arced through me.

Tears poured down my face, and I let them fall, my soul wrung and exhausted.

I’d fucked up in a series of massive mistakes.

I’d bottled up emotions, lashed out when I got overwhelmed, and said things I regretted.

Despite all this, Roxy was always so sweet, which made my guilt even worse for not seeing her for who she was all these years.

I cherished her and made a point of telling her often because I wanted to build a future with her.

Still, could I live without her love?

While our relationship was not perfect, far from it, we had laughter, deep connection, love for our baby, and moments of peace and joy.