Page 84 of Lucian

Time passed by slowly, and Jordyn didn’t sleep for a moment of it. Lucian didn’t, either, considering she listened to him tinker down the hall for quite a while before she heard nothing. It wasn’t long before his frame was looming in the bedroom doorway, blocking the light from the hallway.

“I learned something the last time this happened,” Lucian stated wryly.

Was he trying to be funny? Jordyn’s patience was running thin. “What’s that?”

“It hurts me like nothing else.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t like to fight,” Lucian muttered. “With you, anyway. Anybody else is fair game.”

Jordyn rolled over in the bed, keeping her eyes averted to anywhere but him. “I didn’t think my question was so unreasonable it required you to be a complete asshole when responding.”

“It didn’t. I know.”

“And?”

“And maybe an apology would make a lot of sense if you actually understood what I was apologizing for.”

“True,” Jordyn replied.

“I didn’t need to be screwing around with my guns tonight.”

Jordyn’s brow furrowed as she rolled to her back. “I don’t understand.”

“All that noise, I didn’t need to be making it. I don’t always wander the halls because I dream. Sometimes I just don’t want to sleep, or I can’t. Tonight was one of those nights. I had too much noise inside my head, so I made a different noise to make it go away. Something else to think about for a while. That’s why I was up.”

“What kind of noise?” Jordyn asked.

“Lately it’s been about my concerns for you.”

“But it’s not all about that.”

“No,” Lucian confirmed, the word so low she strained to hear. “The anniversary of Antony finding me is coming up. Sometimes it passes by without me noticing, and other times, when I have a lot to think about regarding my life, I focus in on it more than I realize. You’re important in my life, a really big change, so this time around I’m thinking about it more.

“And you were right,” he continued quieter. “It makes me embarrassed and ashamed. It hurts me. I don’t want to be looked at like some lost, little boy ever again. I shouldn’t have to feel weak and helpless, but that’s exactly what those memories dredge up inside. It doesn’t matter how much money I have, how secure I am, or how cold and ruthless I seem to others, I will always be Luciano Grovatti behind this person. I know who I am beneath this new last name. A child with murdered parents, a boy with no home, and broken because of it.”

“Are you really, though?” Jordyn asked, not wanting to push the wrong button again.

“As Lucian? No.”

“But you can’t be Lucian if you weren’t Luciano first.”

Lucian cleared his throat, shifting from foot to foot. “Aren’t you going to ask about what I meant?”

“About Antony finding you?”

“Yeah.”

“Only if you want me to,” Jordyn replied.

“I thrive in this world. The violence of it, the greed; the rules I grew up with and the understanding of what was expected of me. I know just where I’m going when Antony is done. I was always meant to be Dante’s underboss, and I’m fine with it. I don’t mind spilling blood for this life. Sweetheart, you have no idea just how much blood stains my hands.”

“I don’t care, either.”

“I know. And that reassures me more than you can understand. There’s going to be nights I won’t come home, and if I do, I’ll be in the shower for hours before I’m cleaning it out with bleach. Someday, if we share a last name, you’re probably going to be my biggest confidant because I fucking hate confession and I haven’t talked honestly in a long time. I like to know that even if you worry, you’re not going to be waiting up because you trust me. These things are good for me, for us.”

“Okay.” Jordyn pushed herself up to a sitting position, resting back to the headboard. “What does this have to do with the Antony thing?”