Page 60 of One Breath After Another

The therapist nodded. “A safe place. They’re your safe place. It’s normal, Penny. You went from living in a very unstable, unhealthy situation with people who only caused you pain to the complete opposite. Isn’t it time to leave what used to be where it is—in the past? Aren’t you ready to leave that place now?”

Was she?

“I just ... want to be here,” Penny murmured.

“Here as in alive or with them?”

“With them.”

Naz.

And Roz.

Their soon-to-be born baby boy. The family that welcomed her. All of them.

Luca, too. Even if the strange connection she felt to him was just something she had made up in her own mind.

“And alive,” Penny added quieter.

Tangler smiled again. “Each person in your life—at the moment—has given you a reason to want to be here. Eventually, that teaches you to find reasons why you want to be here as well. Beyond them—it’s about you and your needs.”

“That’s scary, actually.”

“Why because you need someone else?”

“Maybe.”

But also, because she couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t been suicidal; or when those dark thoughts chased her day and night. She hadn’t cut in months. She hadn’t had an active suicide plan since her last attempt in Europe. Were things perfect? No, but ... Penny had come to learn life wasn’t about creating perfection. It was about finding the perfect moments amongst everything else.

“Are you happy?” her therapist asked. “Is that what you’re trying to figure out?”

Was she?

Penny blinked, replying, “I’m not ... depressed. I don’t want to die.”

“But are you happy?”

“I’m not sure I know what being happy looks like.”

Honesty was the best policy, right?

“Despite how it might look from your perspective like it’s something you can’t obtain,” her therapist said, “happiness is something most people fall into naturally. In your case, it’s yet another thing for you to learn, Penny. As long as you’re willing to keep trying—and clearly you are—then it’ll all fall into place. You simply have to give it time to do so.”

Well ...

She would certainly keep it in mind.

At this point, what did she have to lose?

Another thought smacked Penny like a slap to the face. A lot, actually.

Now more than ever, Penny had a lot to lose. Maybe that’s what scared her more than anything else ever had.

As the second hand ticked down the final minute of their session, Penny stood from the chair she always used while she was there, ready to leave. Dr. Tangler offered her another smile, but this one felt ... different.

“And for the record,” the therapist told her as she shrugged on her coat, “despite the impression you might have left here with after our last discussion, I am going to recommend that you stay in the care of your current guardians. It’s where you have been—and will do—your best. Anyone who can’t see as much is a fool and isn’t looking hard enough.”

Good.