Page 66 of Wed to the Orc Captive

More of those little flowers opened, along the wall, glowing, so the only piece of darkness was him. “That really bothers you, doesn’t it?”

“Of course it does.” I sounded so brittle, so wrong. “Wouldn’t it bother you?”

The moon started to rise, a little halo of mother-of-pearl in the clouds over the basin’s rim. The wind was cold.

“What do you want?” he said. “If you forget surviving here, assume the best…what do you want?”

“You promised me an answer for an answer.” Did I want to ask, or was I stalling?

He chuffed at the air. “You’re right. Fine. What do you want to know?”

“Why did you and Rissa break troth?”

He stiffened, and let out another breath. “Straight for the jugular.”

I waited, to see if he’d change the rules, if he’d tell me off for asking. But he leaned back against that wall of roots and flowers.

“Alright,” he said. “There was a time around when I came of age when people…started to want me.” He picked up a stone from the ground, turning it in his hand. “It was just the one way. Just physical. But being wanted in some way felt…heady. Good. So I indulged that. If someone wanted to roll with the bastard, who was I to refuse them? And my reputation already wasn't good, from all the fighting, but that…changed it.” His shoulders were rigid, even reclining. “And then Rissa came into my life, and she was capable and respected and daring, and it's like I saw a different version of myself reflected in her eyes. She treated me like I was more than a rootless fling to whisper to her friends about. She was…minimally kind, in hindsight, but it was enough. I fell. Hard.” The faint moonlight played over a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I joined a reckless number of hunts, hauled water, stayed up crazy-long nights doing charcoal burns, till I earned my place. And the house, it was falling apart, it was awful, but I made it water-tight. I replaced the flooring where decay had set in. Khal and Hagmar and Tyralk, they helped me. And when she returned from her first war party, when she could claim her place among the mothers of the people, I brought her there. I said, this is for you. This is for us. And she…she laughed.” His eyes were flat. “She said she didn't know I was serious? What would her grandmother say? I think her precise words were, ‘You're not the kind of man someone marries.’”

I hugged my legs, the knot cold in my stomach. “How does she have the gall to still speak to you?”

“She wasn't wrong.” He still wore that smile, cold. “No one's mother was going to support choosing the Droth's mistake.” He turned the stone in his hand. Now with the light of the moon I could see the wind through the treetops, the swirls of glow, the peeking lights of fires here and there.

“I had to get away,” he shrugged. “I saw her everywhere, everything was stained with her, and I couldn't…I couldn't continue. Khal put together a mercenary band, and we left. There were no women, not even Larrakh or Brezha, since the humans only treat with us when we show them men. We were surrounded by humans and monsters. And I…I was a problem.” He took a breath. “I got into fights, among the humans, among my brothers. I lashed out at people, for a long time. Khal and the others…they didn't give up on me. And then Rowena, she…she forgave me for the asshole I’d become.” There was something raw under his voice. “My turn,” he said. “The poison in that bag. Was it for me?”

My chest hurt, too much. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you use it?”

I hoped it was dark enough that he couldn’t see the tear track down my cheek. “I couldn't see you as a monster.”

The moon hid behind the clouds.

“That was two questions. I owe you.” His voice ached.

I ached. My voice was a croak. “Do you still want her?”

He was quiet.

I thought I could be brave enough for a lot of things. I’d gone in to marry him expecting so much of the worst. Had I used up all my courage? Had all my mettle been spent?

“There was a lot wrong with me wanting her,” he said. And it wasn’t rushed, like he felt through the words. “And a lot wrong with the idea of her that I wanted. But neither of those people exist now. Not the person I thought she was. And not that try at myself, either.” He shook his head, just a little. “…no. No, I don't.” He leaned his head against the wall again. “I am sorry that my stupidity in falling for her has caused you harm. I was supposed to be the only one bearing that particular humiliation.”

That lump was hard in my throat. I tried to joke, couldn’t, “Well I humiliate you every time I take a step outside, so.”

His shadow turned to me. “I'm not humiliated by you.”

It was nice of him to say. “I've seen the way they stare at you when you're with me.”

“Yeah, I'm fun to make rumors about. A pretty woman on my arm adds to that. But I've always been easy to make rumors about. They just have more fuel to get lurid right now.”

“They think you chose me so you could push me around.”

“They’ve said worse.” I could hear the dry smirk in his voice. “There was a rumor I ate a baby once.”

“What!?”

“Yeah, we found the kid. He'd wandered off.”