Page 76 of The Seashell of ’Ohana

Chapter Thirty — Confession

The driver I had hired for the day took me past the mall Steve and I had shopped at and restaurants where we’d eaten together. My heart knotted painfully at the memories. They seemed like they’d happened yesterday, and yet so long ago.

I tried not to tear up as I people watched. Citizens crossing the streets, families of tourists taking pictures, residents going in and out of their apartments. It was good to see such busy lives, like the life I'd once had. After Steve had died, I’d needed a slower pace.

Steve had been originally buried in New York, but his parents had moved his body when I moved to Kauai. Last Christmas, when I’d brought Tyler to see his grandmother, I had visited Steve at the burial site.

I could talk to Steve back at home, and I often did, but I felt closer to him here in Florida. If I spoke to him here, maybe I would know what to do.

The driver dropped me off at the cemetery and waited. I purchased a bouquet of flowers at the small flower shop. My nerves were all over the place as I walked the path toward Steve’s plot.

I kneeled and placed the bouquet inside the pot. I sat on the grass and leaned against the tombstone, inhaling a deep breath and exhaling a longer one.

I took a moment of this quiet peace to settle my nerves and my hammering heart. It had been a while since I’d had a few days to myself. I could sit there all day to recharge and face the world again.

A few families came and went, but what broke me was seeing a little girl with her mom. They laid a bouquet of flowers next to a tombstone. The little girl reminded me of Tyler, close to the age he’d been when Steve died.

So many broken hearts here. So much sadness. And then I felt my own tears pool.

I had no speech planned, so I didn’t know where to begin. Perhaps I should start with a greeting.

“Hello, Steve,” I said softly, then my voice cracked. “You’re probably wondering why I’m here when I could be talking to you back home. I had to come. I have something to tell you.”

Tears streamed down my face as guilt-wracked my soul. How do I tell him I might be in love with someone else? How can I do this to him?

I wiped my eyes. Getting to the point might make things easier. “I met someone. His name is Ian Bordonaro.” I smiled when I said his name. “Ian is one of Lee’s good friends, and that’s how I met him. He’s intelligent and has a big heart. He’s good to Ty, and Ty likes him, too. He offered to take our son to a school father and son event, since you …” I swallowed to dislodge the twist of pain in my chest and the lump in my throat.

“Anyway, I came here to get your permission to … I know you want me to move on with my life with someone else eventually, but I don’t know if I’m ready. Ian told me he would take things slow. I guess that’s a sign that I’m worth the wait and that he’s worth taking a chance on. I don’t know what I’m doing. I only know that I miss you so much. I can’t … This is too hard. We were supposed to have a life together.”

I curled my knees up to my chest and leaned my head against the cold stone, as if I could lean my head against his shoulder. Tears streamed down my face, and I paused to collect myself.

“Whatever happens, whomever I date, I promise that Ty and I will never forget you. No matter how many years pass, you’ll always be in our hearts and in our memories.”

I wiped my tears again and ran my knuckles under my nose, sniffling.

“As silly as it sounds, I wish you could give me a sign that you’re okay with me dating, but …” I released a long sigh. “Of course, you can’t, and …”

I’d thought I would feel better if I spoke to Steve at his burial site, but I didn’t. In fact, I felt worse. I pushed my palms to my face, wondering what on earth I was doing, and then I went back to Peggy’s house.

After dinner, we sat on the back patio in the outdoor chairs. The humid Florida night settled over me, and the darkness filled with chirruping insects.

Peggy peered up at the night sky. “I love coming out here to look at the stars. On a clear night like tonight, you can see the Milky Way. Steve loved the stars, too. When he was little, he told me that he’d become a star and be the brightest one day. Sometimes, I’ll look for the brightest one and pretend that it’s Steve looking down at me, saying, ‘See, Mom, I told you I would be a star.’” She snorted to hold in her sob. “No parent should have to see their child leave the world before they do. No one.” She cleared her throat and looked at me. “I’m sorry. I’m rambling. But seeing you makes me miss my son more.”

“I’m sorry,” I said softly.

“No, don’t be.” Peggy dabbed her eyes with her knuckle. “You two were a pair. He loved you very much, Abby. You and Tyler were his world. He was so excited when he found out he was going to be a father.”

I wiped my tears, recalling how nervous I’d been, to tell him. I’d thought he would be upset. I was still in college, and he’d been in grad school. Getting pregnant had sped up our plans. Perhaps things happen for a reason, the right place, and the right time.

If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, then we would have waited. Steve would have gotten sick after we moved to New York, and we wouldn’t have tried to have children. Tyler would never have been born.

Michelle, who had been quiet, said, “Not to rush you, Abby, but how long did you plan on staying?”

“I leave tomorrow afternoon.”

“Tomorrow. That’s so soon.” Peggy frowned. “But I’m guessing that since you didn’t bring Tyler, you came here for business?”

I brushed a strand away from my face and cleared my throat. “This might seem silly, but I came to get your blessing.”