Page 20 of Kill Me

“But—”

“For fuck’s sake.” My brother takes the tablets out of her one hand, grabs my hair with his other and pulls my head back. “Open your mouth, Quinn.” I can’t say anything. Shock and pain debilitate me. “Now, Quinn.”

I whimper, but open my mouth, and he shoves the tablets in with his calloused fingers. Remnants of oil still litter the fingertips, and my brain goes frantic. He pours water down my throat. “Swallow.” I’m frozen. A moment in time playing in my brain, flickers of hands, tools and a car. White lights flashing around and me on the floor, hands fumbling my rolls. Eric lets go of my hair, and I slump back against the seat, and just like that, the moment stops playing.

“Next time, just do as you’re fucking told.”

I must have fallen asleep at some point in the journey because I wake up and dusk is starting to settle in the sky—which is strange—because we left at lunchtime and they said it would only be a couple of hours. Something sinks in my stomach. I pull my hood tighter, tucking my hands in the pockets of my hoodie, and try to take in my surroundings. There are trees everywhere, on either side of the road, and they’re tall. We’re off the motorway and on a single-lane road. Every so often pulling over to the side to allow another car past, steadily climbing into the mountains. Where we live is a tiny little town; it’s nowhere near the beach or mountains. The closest we get to a body of water is the lake down the road from the house under the derelict train tracks.

“Where are we?”

“Almost there, don’t worry.”

“I thought it was only going to be a couple of hours? What happened?”

“You must have fallen asleep.”

“But I wasn’t tired.” My brain refuses to accept her explanation.

“You know how you can get after your tablets, sometimes.”

“But—”

The look on my brother’s face stops me mid-sentence, and I shrink back into my seat. The inside of my body feels odd. I feel on edge. The nerves of my body are on fire, and the cold temperatures are settling into my body, causing my pain to worsen. It doesn’t matter how much time passes; the pain never goes away. “Mum, have you got my pain meds? It must be almost time.”

“I have them, but we need to wait until after the appointment. Don’t want you to fall asleep again, do we?”

My mind is swimming. Eric is chuckling, and my dad is watching me through the rear view mirror with this pitiful look on his face, like he’s trying to silently communicate with me.

We’d have to have a relationship for a secret language, Dad.

I can feel my breaths shallowing, and I’m teetering on the edge of a panic attack. Maybe Mum was right to make me take the tablets earlier. It’s like there’s water in my ears; everything that should be audible isn’t. Everything that should be visible is blurry, and no matter how many times I squeeze my eyes or move my ears, nothing is returning to normal.

“Are you ok, love?” my dad asks.

“She’s being dramatic as usual.” Eric’s jabs are getting boring.

“Maybe we should pull over.” My dad’s face seems weird, twisted, but there’s almost a smidgen of concern.

“Don’t even think about it. We can’t be late.” Mum, ever the taskmaster, admonishes him.

My dad sighs but continues to drive, and for every second we ascend the mountain, my anxiety bounces ahead of it. For a moment, I think they’re lying to me and that I’m not actually going to see a doctor, but why would that benefit them? Something is telling me I’m right in thinking that they’re lying, but I can’t put my finger on what.

After what feels like forever, but in reality is mere minutes, we turn off the road onto a dirt track, and after about a quarter of a mile, we arrive at a gate. It’s about ten feet tall, white wrought iron, and a full fence runs along either side of it. As I take in the fence, from bottom to top, I notice there are spikes on the top of it. Huh? That’s weird.

My dad presses a button on the intercom system that’s attached to a pole, and a bored voice filters through.

“Hello, welcome to Saving Hearts Mental Hospital, dedicated to saving the hearts of the lost. How can I help you?” My ears perk. I’m sorry, what?

“Hi, I’m here with Quinn Burrows to meet with Dr Jones about ECT?”

“Please head up to the main house.”

Chapter Sixteen

Quinn - Present Day

My head is on a swivel, taking in everything I can before I enter the gates.