Page 72 of Kill Me

“Quinn, I said no.” Her voice is firm, the usual signal that she’s about to turn on me, so I back away. It’s crazy how aware of your surroundings you can be at the age of four, but you learn fast with a mother like mine that things can change on a whim.

“Andy, I’m sure a little hold—”

“Kirk, did I stutter?”

“No, love. She’s just excited to meet her baby brother, is all.”

“I don’t care what she is. I’m his mother, and I decide what’s allowed.”

“And I’m his father.” He places his hands on his hips and straightens his back.

“That’s debatable,” she mutters under her breath, but not low enough for my father not to hear.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” My father’s face looks surprised. Like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

She sighs. “Nothing, Kirk.” She sighs again. “It simply means that I’ll be the one feeding and changing him, while you swan off to work, leaving me to deal with the workload of a baby and her.”

“Her? She’s your daughter, too. It takes two to make a baby, Andrea. It’s hardly swanning off to work when our homes rely on my wage.”

“Please. Don’t remind me. You wanted that one, don’t forget. Shame I couldn’t have done it on my own. It would probably have been more fun.”

Her words sting. I don’t totally understand them, but her tone tells me that it’s not nice.

“I love you, Mummy.”

“Good for you, Quinn.” Eric starts to cry, and she huffs, standing up and walking to the kitchen. “See what you’ve done? Go to your room. I need to feed Eric, and you being under my feet, making a mess, will just add to my stress.”

“Andrea, that’s not—”

“If you don’t like it, Kirk, feel free to go with her. We don’t need either of you.” Tears burn my eyes, threatening to spill over as my lips wobble. I was so excited to meet baby Eric, but my mum seems mad at me, and I don’t know what I did wrong. Dad takes me by the hand and leads me up the stairs.

“Doesn’t Mummy want me now she has Eric?”

“No, Pumpkin. It’s not like that. She’s just feeling a bit all over the place after having the baby. She’s in a bubble and focused on Eric, that’s all. You know how you can get when you’re tired and how you feel happy, sad and mad all at one time?” I nod. “Once they settle in, things will go back to normal. You’ll see. Go and get your pyjamas on and get ready for bed. I’ll go and make you something to eat, and we can watch a movie as a celebration. I’ll even let you stay up past your bedtime.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

“Good girl. I promise, things will be okay once everyone is a bit more settled.”

A sob escapes me, and he bends down, scoops me in his arms and gives me a big squeeze.

“You’ll always have me, Pumpkin. Don’t you worry.” He leaves the room, and I go to my drawers to pick out my pyjamas.

Mummy hates you. Daddy hates you. You’re not the baby anymore.

I spin around my room to see where the voice is coming from. I thought it was my mother. It sounded just like her.

That’s right. No one wants you anymore. You won’t be his pumpkin for much longer, Quinny.

My heart feels loud. I can hear it in my ears. The voice gets deeper, louder, more monotone, and I realise it isn’t her. “Who is that?”

We’ll show you what it truly feels like to feel loved. Don’t worry, Quinny. You don’t need your mummy and daddy anymore. We’ll look after you.

I snap from the memory. My mouth is dry from the excess talking to recall my memories. I reach for my glass of electrolytes next to me. Ice cold as always.

“I wish I had known then what I know now. My heart would have shattered, but it would have saved me so much hurt and heartache in the long run, because as I got older, the only thing I was sure of was that my dad was a very good liar and my mother was evil.”

Chapter Forty-Two