Page 74 of Kill Me

He walks over to me but averts his gaze so I can no longer stare into his eyes. He drops down into a crouch and takes hold of my hands before laying one single kiss on the top of each of them.

“Never be sorry for taking what you need, Little Magpie. I’ll send her in now.”

He walks through the door, and my heart shatters into a million pieces. Because what if that’s enough for him to never come back? What if I’ve traumatised him into never feeling like he can look me in the eye again?

A voice jolts me from my thoughts. “Stop that right now.” Lulu. My breath catches.

“Lu—” I sob as she grabs hold of me and squeezes me tightly.

“I’ve got you, girly. I’ve got you.” She shushes in my ear as she tries to calm me down. Unsuccessfully. “Breathe in through your nose. One, two, three, four. Out through your mouth. One, two, three, four.” I do as she asks.

She lets go. “Okay. Look at me. Tell me five things you can see.”

I look at her like she’s crazy. “Just do what I ask. Trust me. Please.” I nod.

“Okay. I can see Bones’ chair, the lamp, my glass of electrolytes, your bright pink hair and Ted.” Lulu looks up as he comes in, jumps up and settles on my lap. My breathing is shallow. Repetitive.

“Four things you can touch…” She strokes her finger over the top of my hand, letting me know she’s still with me.

“Ted. Your hands. Bones’ hoodie. The air from the fan.”

“That’s good. Well done, girl. Next up, three things you can hear.”

“The dripping of rain outside the window. Bones’ pacing in the kitchen because he’s stressed. My heart screaming in my ears.”

“Good. Two things you can smell.”

I breathe in, my breath stutters, but I persevere. In through my nose and out through my mouth. Breathing in again, I focus on the scents around me. “Bones’ aftershave on his hoodie. Leather and bonfire smoke. Coffee, from your breath…”

She laughs. “Thanks for the reminder to chuck some gum in my gob.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“I’m joking. Stop stressing. One thing you can taste.”

“The berries from my electrolytes.”

“Good. Now you’re breathing properly.” I didn’t even realise what she was doing was having that effect on me. “Do you want me to go and get H?”

“No. I think it needs to be you who hears this bit. I know he’s trying to maintain boundaries to get through my therapy, but I don’t think this bit is something he needs to hear first-hand. It will hurt him.”

She nods. “Okay, give me a minute. I’ll be back. Keep breathing.”

I hear them talking before he comes back in with her and grabs his phone. He removes my IV and leans down to kiss me on the head. “I’m removing this because I won’t be in here to monitor you, and I think we’ve done enough this session to warrant stopping the transfusion. I understand why you need this to be Lulu, and I think it’s the right decision. But when you’re ready, I will be here to listen. Ted, stay here.”

He says nothing else, just walks from the room and shuts the door. Lulu gets comfy in his seat. “Well then, Bestie, hit me with the worst you’ve got. I’ll even make you a deal. You tell me a truth, and I’ll tell you a truth. No limits, no hesitations. But whatever is said in this room cannot leave the confines of Harley and us. He knows my deepest, darkest secrets already. There is nothing I’m about to tell you that he doesn’t already know. Same with X.” She fidgets with her hands in the same way I do.

“But letting you into these things opens me up to a vulnerability I have yet to experience. I have a black soul. People are not a necessity to my life. I choose them because they bring something to me and I can bring something to them. But I could live a solitary life and thrive on my own existence. I need to know that I can trust you to respect that. Promise me.”

What truths could she possibly have that are so dark and twisted that she needs me to promise her that?

I reach forward and give her my pinky finger. “I told you what this means to me. Let me show you.” She interlinks hers with mine and leans forward to kiss her hand. “Just an extra level of protection.” She smiles at me, and we both relax.

“Who’s going first?” she asks.

“You can,” I reply.

“Okay. A truth for a truth,” she says. “Here goes nothing.”