Page 40 of Virtually Guarded

“Yeah.” I lay down and pulled him closer. He made a soft sound that I took as contentment. “We can sleep.”

From the sound of his breathing, he drifted off pretty quickly. I was glad that he felt comfortable enough to fall asleep so fast with me there.

I lay awake. This man, my mate, had been through shit I couldn’t fathom, and because of it, he didn’t believe all the things I wanted to offer to him. I would have to show him he could believe in it. In forever. In safety.

In me.

Chapter Nine: Ren

What was it about Xavier that made me sleep so soundly? I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had such a peaceful night. Even when I was a kid, at night I kept one ear open, as my grandfather had put it, because I never knew what was going to happen in the rest of the house that might spill over onto me. On the streets and in shelters, I only dozed a few minutes at a time, if that, because asleep equaled vulnerable. I’d slept during the time I recovered from being changed, but that was more of a coma than anything.

With Xavier beside me, though, I felt safe. Even if someone did barge into the room, he would protect me, if he didn’t scare them off just by existing. As tall and broad as he was, he was intimidating as hell, and I doubted most people would try anything with him around.

So with him beside me, I slept like I was making up for the past two-plus decades of not sleeping well. Even though for the past few nights I’d slept all right, tonight’s sleep was even deeper, with not even a second of interruption. I dreamed, but when I woke, I couldn’t remember anything.

Xavier was still lying behind me, holding me, but I sensed that he was awake. “Aren’t you supposed to be on duty?”

“Good morning.” He moved his arm off me and patted my shoulder. “Yeah, but not for another hour. It’s still pretty early.”

“Oh.” I rolled to face him. Even with his hair messy and sticking up almost as much as mine intentionally did, his face puffy from sleep and one cheek red from pressing against the pillow, he was gorgeous.

An hour was plenty of time. Ignoring the little voice in my head telling me it was a bad idea, I leaned toward him.

He leaned too, and our lips met. Sparks flew, the heat and current I’d felt between us before. With a soft sound, he reached up to stroke my hair.

My hand started to move downward. His hair wasn’t what I aimed to stroke. Our mouths together, lips, tongues, breathing into each other, built my desire to a frigging inferno, and if I didn’t touch him, didn’t at least try, I would lose my mind. The tingling ache between my legs begged for his touch, but I didn’t dare voice the need.

Hell, I didn’t have to voice anything. He could hear my thoughts.

I want you. Inside me. Please.

He didn’t answer, but he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. Against my belly, he was hard, and I had to force myself not to put my hand square on his cock. Instead, I kept slowly sliding my hand down, hoping he wouldn’t stop me.

When my hand reached his waist, he broke the kiss. Staring wildly into my eyes, he said, “No.”

“I…what?” Breathing heavily, I gazed into the deep brown of his eyes, trying to understand. “That was a great kiss.”

“Yeah. And I heard you.” He touched his lips to my forehead. “I want you too, Ren. You can feel that, can’t you?”

“Oh, yeah, I can.” I started to touch him but stopped myself. Until he explained the “no,” nothing was happening. “But you don’t want to?”

“I would claim you, remember?” he said. “You don’t believe in forever, but that’s what it would be between us. I make love to you, we belong to each other forever.” Gently, he cupped my cheek. “I want that with you, but not until you believe it.”

“You can’t want forever with me.” He sounded sincere. The words struck a chord in me, and something within me called back to it. But actual me, the Ren who’d lived through everything, couldn’t let it happen. “Xavier, you don’t even know me yet.”

“I know you’re my mate.” Sadness filled his eyes, and he loosened his arm around me. “You’re right. We don’t know each other well yet. I know what I want. But what you asked for, I don’t think is what you want. Not with everything it would mean. Not yet.”

His cock had begun to soften, and any desire I’d felt had pretty much evaporated. Feeling him inside me, his body against mine, his arms around me… I absolutely wanted all of that. Except it would mean I had to be with him for the rest of my life. Forever. I couldn’t accept that.

“I’m sorry.” I looked down at his chest, which didn’t help much but was better than seeing that unhappiness in his gaze.

“Don’t be, please. You’re right, that was a great kiss.” He chuckled softly. “Ren, I liked sleeping beside you. Holding you. The kiss was a definite bonus. Until you’re able to consider forever as a possibility, I think holding and kissing is where it stops. And trust me, saying that isn’t easy.”

“I know.” I could feel it. His regret or mine, or maybe both, that the claiming was on hold. My wolf was pretty pissed off about it if the anger in the back of my mind was any indication. The rest of me was just sad. Why couldn’t I believe in forever, or at least the long haul, with Xavier?

The answer was obvious. Five days wasn’t enough to believe Xavier would stick around. Okay, mates couldn’t be apart without pain, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t leave if he really got fed up with me. Some things were worse than physical pain.

“I should get up?” His inflection went up, making it a question. “I still have a little while before I’m on duty.”