Page 49 of Virtually Guarded

That meant that while the rest of the guards still needed to watch the house, they had the weekend off from guarding the Anax. Meanwhile, I had nothing to do, because Kyle explicitly told me to leave the website stuff alone until he got back. Not that I blamed him. I’d massively fucked something up the day before, and instead of making progress, Kyle had spent about three hours undoing whatever it was I’d done.

Supper was less formal than usual. Chloe had taken the night off, though she would be back the following morning to make sure the guards and I had food. Laurits opted to order pizza, wings, and various other foods to keep us going for the night, and he informed the other guards that they wouldn’t need to do an official debriefing like they usually did at supper.

Which meant, because I wasn’t paying attention to where Xavier was, that he and I wound up alone in the dining room.

“Hey.” He plopped a couple slices of loaded pizza on a plate and sat in his usual chair, though he could have sat anywhere.

“Um, hey.” I glanced over my shoulder. Looking for someone to interrupt the tension? For an escape? I had no clue. I didn’t see either, so I took a slice of pepperoni pizza and a handful of buffalo wings and went to the chair where I’d been sitting the past few days. At the end of the table, on the other side from Xavier.

“You could sit closer,” he said. “I’m not poisonous.”

“I thought the phrase was usually ‘I don’t bite.’” I stayed in the chair I’d picked, ignoring the urge to go sit beside him. Or on him. Fuck. I’d believed I’d gotten rid of the lust bullshit when it came to him.

“I do bite. When I’m invited to.” He chuckled. “Maybe I listen to Kyle a little too much. I’m glad you’re here, Ren. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing.”

“Yeah?” He sure hadn’t given any sign of it. No trying to chat with me at meals or around the house. No nighttime knocks on my door.

Which shouldn’t have bothered me, because that was how I wanted it, right? For him to back off, find someone better, leave me alone so if I had to leave, it wouldn’t matter so much.

“Yeah.” He brought his plate to the chair beside mine. I flinched slightly as he sat down, and he tilted his head. “Ren, what is happening? Did I do something?”

“No, of course not. I, um. Fuck.” I picked a pepperoni off the pizza and popped it in my mouth.

He didn’t speak, just waited while I chewed up the damn pepperoni and swallowed it. Which left me with no reason not to answer his question. Fuck.

“You didn’t do anything.” I picked up one of the wings but didn’t bother trying to eat it. With Xavier just sitting there looking at me, my appetite took a nosedive. “I feel weird being here. That’s all. It’s a lot to get used to.”

“I was going to help you get used to it.” Sadness crept into his voice. He took a bite of pizza.

“Shit.” How the hell was I supposed to sit here with him being a goddamn sad puppy dog while I didn’t have an explanation? No reason for the way I’d been avoiding him. No…

Fuck yes, I had a reason. “I can’t talk about this here.”

“Then we can talk privately.” He pushed his plate away. After a second, he got up and dropped his untouched pizza slice back into the box. “That’ll still be here later. Unless you’re hungry, I would really like to hear what you’re not saying. Please.”

“Um.” Great. I’d talked myself into a corner. Then again, maybe it was time to actually get all the shit in my head out in the open. “Fine. We can talk privately. I’m not hungry. Where do you want to talk?”

He hesitated. For a second, I was sure he would ask to go to my room. Which I would have to say no to. That small space had become my sanctuary, and I didn’t want anyone in there. It was the smallest bedroom, carved out of a larger room by an afterthought wall, but at least there was soundproofing. Mandeep slept in the room next door, and he was quiet enough that sometimes I couldn’t tell whether or not he was in his room. Slightly smaller than the room I’d used at the hunt house, this one was the place I felt safest in this house. As much as I sometimes wished Xavier was beside me at night, I didn’t want anything to disrupt the energy of the space.

To my relief, he said, “Third floor. There’s a guest room up there, and the Anax’s space. He doesn’t mind if others use it when he isn’t there.”

“His space?” I walked out of the room toward the back stairs, half hoping he wouldn’t follow. Of course, he did. “What does that mean?”

“He likes to look at the ocean.” He paused. “There’s a room up on the third floor that has a great view of the harbor. His tower, he calls it. He goes up there sometimes when he needs time alone.”

“I like the ocean,” I said quietly. I always had, even though until now I’d mostly only seen it on TV and in pictures. Being able to look out at the water was the bright spot of being in this house, even with the city right on the other side of it.

He didn’t answer, just stayed behind me as we headed up to the third floor. I stopped at the top of the stairs. “I haven’t been up here before.”

“The room with the ocean view is in here.” He passed me, and I flinched, half hoping he wouldn’t brush against me and half hoping he would. He didn’t; he kept several inches between us. At an open door, he stopped. “Will this work?”

“For crying out loud, we’re acting like this is some kind of top secret deal. It isn’t, is it?” I walked through the doorway and over to the window, where I caught my breath. From here, the ocean stretched to the horizon. The skyline was more to the side; this window faced the open water, which shone and sparkled with early evening sunlight. “Oh, wow. This is an amazing view.”

“Yeah.” He came to stand beside me. “I mean, yeah, it’s amazing. No, it isn’t top secret as far as I know. What is happening between us?”

“You really believe in putting it all out there, don’t you?” Scoffing, I stepped closer to the window. This was absolutely not a conversation I wanted to have, because I had no fucking clue what was happening between us. I liked him. Cared about him. Wanted him far, far away from me because the way he made me feel scared the shit out of me. And I couldn’t get out of talking to him, because here we were, alone.

Alone with the guy I’d kissed. Snuggled against at night. The guy I…