Page 10 of Allegiant

In my dreams he does. There, everything is different.

But then I wake up to the reality that is my life.

Today hasn’t gotten off to a good start. My miniature dachshund, Nugget, ate both my TV remote and part of a potted plant. He also left me a tiny package of poop under a bookshelf. I hit my head while cleaning it up.

Then I’m greeted by an empty container of oat milk and an error light flashing on my coffee machine.

As if that’s not enough, the date on the calendar mocks me as I walk past to leave—a reminder of why I need so many distractions these days. The anniversary that’s rapidly approaching, whether I want it to or not.

I enter the studio to find my friends gathered in a circle. Sitting on the floor cross-legged, each of them looks up at me expectantly.

“Oh god. Can we not?” I say lightly, dropping a box of homemade cookies on a table against the wall. “I’m not in the mood.”

“You’re never in the mood to talk about it,” Marcy says quietly, her wide brown eyes solemn. “But you should. It’s not healthy to bottle your feelings up the way you have been. We’ve all noticed how hard you’ve been working. You’ve barely left the studio since we went to Rounds last week.”

“It’s fine.” I force my smile into place. “I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

Shane and Clay exchange a loaded look before the latter speaks. “You keep saying that, but we know you’re not. In two weeks it will have been a year, and⁠—”

“I’m well aware of the date,” I snap.

Clay reels back, shocked. It’s an expression that’s mirrored on the other faces in the circle.

I take several deep breaths and smooth down my shirt. They’ve never seen me like this, untethered and unhinged. But it’s becoming worse with each day, each minute. I feel like I’m spiraling entirely.

When I’m certain I have myself under control, I smile once more. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. But I really, really don’t want to talk about it. I can’t.”

“None of us will judge you if you want to take a break,” Shane says.

“No, this is what I need.” I add another smile to take the bite out of my words. “Come on. Into position, everyone.”

There’s a pause before everyone scrambles to do as I say.

I don’t meet anyone’s eyes in the mirror as I call out the beat.

Not even my own.

I stay far longer than anyone else, dancing despite the ache in my feet. I know there’ll be blood when I take off my pointe shoes, but I don’t care.

If I stop, I’ll think. And if I think, I’ll remember.

I can’t do that. Not today. Not this week.

All of my friends offered to keep me company, but I ushered them away. I don’t need company. There’s only ever been one person who was truly able to lift my mood. I might appear like liquid sunshine, but it’s a facade, a disguise.

Only he ever saw what lies beneath. Saw it and embraced it.

But he can’t cheer me up this time.

Not when he’s the reason I’m feeling this way.

It’s your fault he’s dead.

The thought sends me stumbling out of my pirouette. I catch myself and brace my hands on my knees. With my eyes closed, I take several deep breaths.

Don’t think about him.

Keep moving.