Page 126 of Allegiant

“Show me what?” I ask gruffly, stepping around Dalton’s desk. He twists the screen in my direction, but all I can see is a bunch of lines. “What am I looking at here?”

Dalton’s face is inscrutable. “It’s a dance studio.”

A sheen covers my eyes. “Even with your best design, I don’t think building Rowan a dance studio is going to tempt him back.”

“It’s not for Rowan,” Dalton says quietly. “It’s for you. Rowan asked me to design it for you.”

I suck in a breath so sharp it hurts my chest. Or maybe it’s the knowledge of what Rowan has done. Why? I need Dalton to confirm it. I can’t trust my own judgment right now, not with the myriad ways I fucked up with Rowan. “Why?”

“He wanted somewhere you could dance,” Dalton says. “Somewhere bright. Not hidden away. Where you’d have the space to be yourself. The person you might have been if Father hadn’t fucked you up.”

There’s a heavy silence around me. I know all my brothers are thinking the same, wondering about the impossible lives we might’ve had.

But there’s no point dwelling on it, I realize. This is the life we have. We have to find happiness where we can.

Like in a purpose-built dance studio.

“Why would he do that?” I croak. I think I know the answer. God, I want this to be the answer, but I’m too afraid to even think that in case I’m wrong. “Why would Rowan want that for me?”

“Because he loves you,” Cade says. “Now are you going to quit fucking moping and go get your man back?”

I eye the plate in his hands, my spirits lifting just enough to give me hope. “That better be for me, because I’m going to need my full strength for this fight.”

“Sure is.” Cade smirks as he pushes it into my hands. “There’s the Samson we all know and love.”

“I’m still not sure how to win him back,” I admit as I start tucking into the food. It’s fucking delicious—definitely Jules’s cooking. My chest aches as I realize he’s probably been here the whole time. Whenever there’s a family problem, Jules shows up. Just as we all do when something’s fucked. “If any of you have any bright ideas, now’s the time to share.”

Neo chooses that moment to burst into the room, his eyes shining. “Oh, I am so glad you asked.”

32

ROWAN

I’m not on the rota to teach this week. None of us in the performance are. But I need distraction now more than ever. Rehearsals can only keep me so occupied; I need to fill my time. My thoughts. My heart.

Anything to stop me from focusing on the emptiness.

Once, I thought the darkness would be the worst thing I’d ever have to survive, but I think it’s this. The crushing numbness of knowing I was right. That I can’t be happy. The universe won’t allow it.

For the first time in a year, I opened up. I let others in. Really, I should’ve realized they are The Firm earlier. They say that when you ask something of them, you need to be prepared to pay the price without knowing what it is.

I asked them to love me. To accept me. Not intentionally, but that’s where I ended up.

And it cost me everything.

I started today with a full dress rehearsal before diving into lessons. My preschool ballerinas were adorable as always, the middle school tappers focused and thriving. And my jazz seniors? They finally nailed a combo we’ve been working on for weeks. The beauty of it was enough to make the grumpiest man weep.

But me?

I felt nothing.

I didn’t let them see that. Of course not. I smiled. I praised. I made sure they knew how proud I was.

Even if I was dying inside.

Now, I have just one class left. I don’t even think about who or what it is, busying myself with a playlist as people start to filter in.

Then I glance up and realize my mistake.