Page 55 of Allegiant

“Adam was worried they were going to escalate soon.” He shudders, and I hold his hands tighter as though that might stop him from fracturing. “I told him he was overreacting. That we’d be fine waiting until the following day to go to the police.”

“That’s a normal assumption to make.”

“It was the wrong one.” Rowan’s face is filled with so much horror and self-loathing it’s difficult to even picture his usual smile. “I was wrong. I was selfish. All I cared about was my big role. My show. I didn’t want anything getting in the way of that. I insisted on going home that night because I wanted to be well rested for the opening show. I put my own needs over Adam’s. He never would’ve done that.”

I reach over and squeeze the back of his neck. “You can’t think like that. You had no idea what was going to happen.”

“I should have stayed,” he whispers. “I shouldn’t have left him.”

I swallow around the lump in my throat. “If you had stayed, you might’ve died too.”

“Good.” He lifts his chin defiantly. “I would’ve rather died fighting for Adam than sleeping in my own bed. I’d rather that than live with this fucking guilt. It’s eating me alive. And you know what? I don’t even want to stop it. It’s what I deserve. It’s the least of what I deserve.”

All right. Now I have the truth. I’m done letting Rowan chastise himself.

Reaching out for him, I tug him forward until he’s in my lap. With my chin on his shoulder, I wrap my arms around him and hug him tight. “No.”

Rowan rests against me as his exhaustion wins out. “No what?”

“No, it’s not what you deserve,” I murmur, holding him close. Have I ever done this before? I don’t think I have. I’m not one for affection or romance, preferring to fuck and run. But with Rowan in my lap like this, I’m suddenly questioning everything. “You aren’t responsible for Adam’s death. The person who killed him is. No one else.”

“That’s not tru⁠—”

“It is.” I cut him off firmly. “And you know what? I’m glad you weren’t there that night.”

I’ve seen the reports. I know what this fucker did. My gentle dancer isn’t a fighter. He wouldn’t have stood a chance. The only change to the outcome would’ve been the police investigating a double homicide.

“From the little you’ve told me about Adam, he wouldn’t have wanted you living like this,” I add. “He wouldn’t blame you. I bet he was fucking thankful you weren’t there too.”

Rowan presses his face to my neck and the wetness there has me rocking him gently.

I have just one more question. I can’t help myself; I need to know. Need to know if we failed them as badly as the police. “Did you go to The Firm for help?”

Not everyone in St. Dismas believes in their existence. Even Wyatt was half-convinced we were a myth before he found himself on the path to that crumbling church.

“No, but we were planning to.” Rowan’s words are thick with grief. “Adam didn’t want to. He was scared they’d ask too high a price. I didn’t give a shit though. If it meant keeping him safe, I was ready to do it. I would’ve, I swear.”

“I know, baby.” I kiss his temple, both relieved and fucking hating myself. We hadn’t let Rowan and Adam down in the way I’d been expecting, but we had in another way entirely. It’s true that there’s a price to pay, but it’s to stop greedy fuckers taking advantage of the system. For this kind of request, we wouldn’t have asked much. If the request had fallen to me, like the other one involving Rowan, I probably would’ve asked for tickets to one of his shows. Maybe even the Swan Lake one he’d been so excited to perform in.

“I’m going to say it until you believe me. You aren’t responsible for what happened,” I say. And I’ll keep on saying it until he finally hears me.

“The police have no leads,” Rowan murmurs, his sobs finally subsiding into the occasional hiccup. “No one to blame. I thought about going to The Firm, but what’s the point? The stalker is like a ghost. Just disappeared into the night. No one can find him.”

That’s because we haven’t tried. There’s not a single person who can hide from The Firm in St. Dismas. If this cunt’s still in the city, we can find him. I can find him.

I will find him.

“You don’t need to go to The Firm,” I say quietly. “Justice will find him. I’m certain.”

He gives a disbelieving huff. “It’s been a year, and the police aren’t even trying anymore. Thank you for trying to make me feel better, but it’s hopeless. I’m not planning on going to The Firm. It’s my fault. If I take the blame, then maybe Adam’s soul can rest in peace.”

I doubt that very much. No friend of Rowan’s would want him flagellating himself this way, let alone one as close to him as Adam had been.

Rowan doesn’t need to worry. I won’t let him continue to blame himself. I’m going to make sure that the man responsible pays for his crimes.

Rowan might not be planning on making a request to The Firm, but we’re going to fulfill it anyway.

Whoever killed Adam Willis, whoever brought such pain into Rowan’s life, they’re going to suffer in the worst ways possible.