Page 52 of Want You

Amanda shook her head and held her hands out. “For the sexual assault case. Rumour is one of the players has retained Kevin Sherman.”

One of the players? Octavia had no idea what she was talking about. “One of what players? What the fuck is going on? Is this about what’s being talked about out there?” She pointed toward the door.

“Oh shit, how do you not know?”

“There was a coffee incident.” She held up her blotchy hand. “Please, start from the beginning.” She sat, crossing her legs and waiting for Amanda to get to the point.

Amanda sat across from her and took a deep breath. “There’s a case being brought forward involving seven active pro hockey players and a woman who claims she was sexually assaulted by all of them.”

Octavia stared back, letting what she’d just said sink in. “Is…” She couldn’t even say his name. “Is he one of them?”

“Oh, god no.” Amanda gasped. “No, Nathan isn’t one of the guys named. He wasn’t even on that team.”

He may not have been named, but he no doubt would know about it. Fuck. This was just one of the reasons she had refused to get involved with a goddamn hockey player. They were trouble. And if they weren’t actively participating in trouble, they were staying quiet about it.

Octavia picked her phone up from her desk and flipped it over. She had twenty-two notifications. Six of them were texts and calls from Nathan.

She swiped up, reading messages that got progressively more frantic.

Something happened. I need to talk to you.

Octavia, please call me as soon as you get this.

Don’t freak out when you see the news, please.

It’s not what you think, I swear.

Octavia, I need you to call me.

I had no idea.

“Bullshit,” she mumbled as she grabbed her bag and began stuffing files inside.

“What did he say?” Amanda asked, leaning across the desk.

Octavia stood, grabbed her coat and then her phone, and marched to the door. “He didn’t know.” She whirled around. “Do you believe that?”

Amanda looked off to the side, refusing to make eye contact. “I don’t,” she said quietly.

“If anyone asks about me, I’m taking a personal day. I need to sort some shit out.”

By the time Octavia arrived home, she’d missed three more calls.

“Leave me alone.” She hissed at her phone before turning it off and leaving it in the kitchen.

On the subway she’d heard more about the case. She recognized one of the player’s names. He was a backup goalie for Nathan’s team. “Women throw themselves at players. I mean can you blame them?” “They’ll never be convicted.” “Good for her for coming forward.” “It obviously happened. They’re all fucking dogs.” “The things I’d let them do to me.”

Octavia had cursed herself the entire commute for losing her headphones. She’d left work to avoid the topic and then got stuck in a tin can where all people could talk about was the case.

She’d heard the stories too. Knew too many of them and still she fell for a hockey player. Nathan seemed different. The kind of guy who took care of his brother and cared about the well-being of his sister. A vet the rookies looked up to. A well-spoken, well-read man who, if not actively involved in such behaviour, certainly fucking knew about it. In her opinion, he was almost as complicit as the guys involved. They all were.

She felt dirty. The way he’d touched her… She ran to the bathroom and turned the knobs in the shower. Steam filled the room, clouding the mirror, so she lost sight of her reflection. Fitting, she thought. Losing sight of herself.

In the shower, she let the hot water wash over her before picking up a loofah and scrubbing harder than she knew was good for her skin. And then she was sitting in the corner, knees drawn up to her chest and sobbing.

Did dating a hockey player make her a terrible feminist? Was she a bad person for falling for him?

Rationally, she knew neither was true. Nothing that had happened with Nathan had been because he was a hockey player. Everything had happened despite that fact. Fallen for him in a month…less than that if she was being really honest with herself.