Page 159 of The Monster and the Masochist

Theo was screaming, and every instinct I had to protect her was suddenly on high alert.

‘Get your fucking gun!’ my monster roared as I moved to sprint toward the bathroom. My monster’s order had me pivoting, and I raced back into the living room to snatch my Beretta out of my Chanel bag.

‘Go! Faster! She’s still screaming!’ my monster snarled, and I sprinted barefoot back down the hall and burst through the door to the guest bathroom, just in time to slam right into a soaking wet Theodora.

“WHAT THE FUCK!!!!” Theo shouted. “I swear to god I fucking summoned that thing with the damn gardening comment!” Theo’s shrieks were sending explosions of pure adrenaline through my veins, and I instinctually pulled her behind me while simultaneously pointing my gun into the empty bathroom behind her.

“Theo… what? Why are you screaming? I thought someone was fucking murdering you!” I snarled, glancing over my shoulder to find her naked and quivering behind me. “What happened?”

Theo’s eyes were so wide I thought her eyeballs were going to pop right out of her head. She pointed with one shaking finger toward the shower, and I glanced over to see what she was pointing at.

It took me a moment to register what it was, but once I did, my whole body sheeted with goosebumps.

There, on the wall inside the shower, was a massive black spider.

“EW!” I screeched, backing up instinctually as Theo continued to literally hide behind me.

“I KNOW!” she cried, and I was so fucking grossed out by how big the spider was, I could barely register how high-pitched and uncharacteristically feminine her voice sounded.

“It could have touched me! How the fuck did it get in here? We’re like, forty fucking floors up!”

“I don’t fucking know! Ew! What the actual fuck!?”

“You have to get rid of it! I c-can’t. Cass, I’m so fucking afraid of spiders. I literally feel like it’s on me… Is it on me? Christ…. Now we have to light this whole condo on fire!”

“We’re not lighting the condo on fire!”

“Well?! What are we gonna do?”

Her gaze dropped to the handgun I was still clutching with a white-knuckled grip, and my monster wheezed with laughter as it realized where Theo’s mind had gone.

‘She wants you to shoot it!’ My monster cackled hysterically in my chest, and my cheeks flushed with irritation at how amused it was by the entire situation.

“Fuck… okay… shit… just… let me think…” I muttered, clicking the safety back on the gun so I didn’t accidentally shoot Theo while we tried to figure out how to get rid of the spider we were both clearly unequipped to deal with.

Suddenly, I had an idea.

“Stay here,” I ordered. “Make sure it doesn’t scuttle off somewhere. I’ll be right back.”

“What?!” Theo yelped. “You’re leaving me here with it?!”

“Just for a second. It’s not going to leap off the wall and attack you. Look at it. It’s just sitting there.”

“Okay, just… hurry. I hate this. Jesus Christ, why do they have so many legs? Nothing needs that many legs! It’s fucking excessive!”

I wholeheartedly agreed, but it was clear that as much as I hated spiders, Theo was obviously straight-up phobic and wouldn’t be much help in this situation at all.

Suppressing a disgusted shiver, I stalked down the hall and into the guest room where I kept my cordless vacuum.

I put my gun down on one of the end tables before opening the closet door and unclipping the vacuum from its charging port.

I popped off the roller head and reached up to the top shelf, feeling around a large box labeled ‘Theo, Bedroom,’ until I found the crevice tool. It was long and plastic and would give me even more distance from the nasty arachnid, so I could safely suck it up from at least a few feet away.

Then, the whole ass vacuum would be going out on my balcony in case the suction didn’t kill it, and it somehow managed to escape from the filter part.

Spiders were crafty fuckers, and I wasn’t taking any chances.

I stormed back to the bathroom, brandishing the cordless vacuum like a battle ax, and Theo stepped out of my way, still naked and clearly terrified.